Mouse Nightshirt Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 I come to seek the advice of the innocent (while maybe providing some light comic relief at the same time). At the minute, I have got piles. Not pleasant, not painless. Now I've done my research (I'm a student medic), and have determined that the major cause of this condition is my sitting on the toilet a tad too long. Everything else seems fine (high fibre diet, reasonable exercise etc etc), so the only other possible cause that came up is sitting for a long time on the toilet, which I do. Now, I am one of those newspaper types. I could read an entire newspaper on the toilet. It's a horrible habit that I need to stop to prevent this horrible condition. Can anyone suggest a training regime to prevent me from reading on the toilet? All help appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kernel Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Electrify the toilet seat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FullAuto Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Can't help, sorry. I regularly sit on the toilet so long reading my legs go numb. I walk around like Douglas Bader for an hour afterwards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uriaheep Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 My grandmother used to swear by paraffin and a wire brush but to be honest the only time I had them I gave this cure a miss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slaughter Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Read the little notes in the paper about alligators and snakes coming up through the toilet...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kizmiaz Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Get an oldfashioned outhouse.In the winter it's cold as hell and in the summertime the flies prevent you from prolonged sittings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mouse Nightshirt Posted December 15, 2005 Author Share Posted December 15, 2005 My grandmother used to swear by paraffin and a wire brush but to be honest the only time I had them I gave this cure a miss. I think I'll pass on this one too. :mad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Accounting Troll Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Change your reading matter to the News of the World. It won't help with the piles, but it will take your mind off them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 locking your self away in the bathroom to read a whole paper/book has understadnable rewards. so dotn stop. simply lower the toliet lid (and raise your garments obviously) this will provide a safe house away from harassment, without causing lasting injury. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matri Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 That's just it Ivory, it is causing him injury. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FullAuto Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Not with the bog lid down, it won't. Though then he can't lay any cable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bomb Bloke Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Why not simply remove all reading material from the toilet area? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mouse Nightshirt Posted December 16, 2005 Author Share Posted December 16, 2005 News of the World? That just makes the piles worse. Outrageous tabloidy stories raise blood pressure, causing more pain. Bomb Bloke: A toilet roll has numbers and letters on the inside of the tube, and therefore qualifies as reading material. As much as I dislike piles, I dislike the thought of no toilet paper even more. Newspaper also works as a handy backup device. Notice the way I skillfully darted around the more mature content of the newspaper (This is a statement, not a question). It's like I'm on ice skates. In an ice rink. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matri Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 While the zambony is still tooling around? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bomb Bloke Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 Come now, surely it doesn't take you that long to read a toilet paper roll? I mean, it's not like you'd want to read it each and every time you went... Once would be enough for most people... But I know the truth. You don't want to know a way to stop reading whilst on the toilet. You just want to know a way that you can continue reading, without getting piles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uriaheep Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 Come now, surely it doesn't take you that long to read a toilet paper roll? I mean, it's not like you'd want to read it each and every time you went... Once would be enough for most people... Not so, it is little known that toilet rolls have different script on each one and if 8320 monkeys are given 10,000 years to read just 98 toilet rols, they would eventually be able to wirte the complete works of Shakespeare. Thsi would constitute plagiarism and under the laws of future governments 396 of the monkeys would be found innocent due to diminished responsibility. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 maybe you shoudl just carry on as you are but get yourself soem cream? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uriaheep Posted December 18, 2005 Share Posted December 18, 2005 maybe you shoudl just carry on as you are but get yourself soem cream? I don't think indulging in High Tea will help - best left for the scones I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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