Once upon a time

[STRYKER]

There was this dude who was out one cool summer evening, enjoying a little stroll.

 

Suddenly, somewhere off to his right, he heard this beautiful female voice calling out into the night. Her tone was sad and lonely, filled with melancholy and yearning. Naturally, our guy looked in that direction. He saw this incredibly beautiful maiden standing on the balcony of this huge castle. He observed, much to his chagrin, that she appeared to be saying the same thing over and over again, although he couldn't quite make out exactly what it was. So he moved closer to see if he could get a better handle on this thing.

 

He stopped below the balcony and listened. This time he heard her clearly.

 

"Romeo, Romeo ! " she called plaintively, "Where art thou ? Romeo, Romeo ! Why hast thou forsaken me ?"

 

Our guy looked up at the fair maiden and cleared his throat loudly.

 

"Emm... excuse me, Miss," he called. "Can I, like, help you with something ?"

 

At the sound of his voice, her face lit up. She peered down at him. But perhaps not being able to see him clearly in the darkness, she mistook him for someone else.

 

"Oh, Romeo my sweet love, " she exclaimed joyfully, "I'm so glad you're here at last."

 

"Actually, Miss," our man replied, "my name is Derek St John Ali-Mustapha."

 

At this, our fair maiden heaved a deep, mournful sigh. She looked down at our hero and said ......

[STRYKER]

" ... I do apologise Mister Ali-Mustapha St John. I mistook thee for my beloved Romeo. He promised to come by this evening but he hasn't showed up yet and his mobile is switched off ! Have you seen him by any chance ?

 

"Alas, I have not, Miss er ... "

 

"Juliet."

 

"Sorry Miss Juliet, but I haven't seen your guy. I am no Cassanova. Me and Romeo have never been friends."

 

Juliet considered this thoughtfully. Then she said: "Surely there must be somebody out there reading this thread right now who would be interested in contributing to this story ?"

 

"Yeah, I agree" replied Ali-Mustapha St John. "There's got to be at least one great story teller out there."

 

After further discussion, Juliet and Ali-Mustapha St John then decided to ....

[Accounting Troll]

...offer to pay an author to write their story. Ali-Mustapha St John was particularly keen on the idea because he hoped to get his sticky paws on the Capulet inheritamce. They decided to combine their money.

 

"Is this all we have?" asked Ali-Mustapha St John.

 

"Oh woe is me. It is barely enough for a pie."

 

So they brought a pie, but it turned out to be no ordinary pie...

[FullAuto]

The cunning street vendor had disguised pi as a pie, and it consumed Ali-Mustapha St. John in a torrent of digits. Ironic, I think you'll agree.

 

Juliet ran back to the balcony and cried out....

[NKF]

"Curse you Baron de Elkshinewipe, the Shoelaces of Fate are undone" at the top of her lungs.

 

Juliet proceeded to the study and opened a safe to obtain..

 

- NKF

[STRYKER]

... a beautiful ring, made from the purest gold and encrusted with diamonds and rubies. She rushed back downstairs and raced out of the castle, rejoining Ali-Mustapha St John who was waiting for her patiently in the street below.

 

"See this," Juliet cried exuberantly, barely able to contain her joy, "I think I have found the solution to all of our problems "

 

"What is it ?" Mustapha-Ali St John asked eagerly, craning forward to examine the object in the palm of her hand.

 

"My engagement ring."

 

"Wow. That looks expensive "

 

"It sure is. It was given to me by Romeo. But now we're going to sell it."

 

"You're kidding, right ?"

 

"No, I am not. He was supposed to come visit me this evening but he never showed. And he isn't answering any of my calls. I thus conclude that he doesn't want to marry me anymore."

 

"But to sell your engagement ring "

 

"Well, we need the money, don't we ? We need to hire more authors to write our story, don't we ?"

 

"I guess."

 

And so it came to pass that Juliet and Ali-Mustapha St John hurried off to the jewellers to sell Juliets's engagement ring.

 

Unfortunately however ....

[Accounting Troll]

...the ring turned out to be costume jewellry. Paste gems and gold foil on a copper ring.

 

Juliet burst into tears, her illusions about Romeo shattered.

 

"What did you expect?" asked Mustapha-Ali St John. "This is a man who flashes a mobile phone around six hundred years before they're going to be invented. I bet it's a fake he just uses to impress the ladies. And that's why he's not answering your calls. Pathetic really."

 

"Next time Romeo tries to serenade me, I'm going to empty my chamber pot on his head", vowed Juliet.

 

"Have you tried rubbing the copper ring?" asked the jeweller...

[Ki-tat Chung]

"No," said Mustapha-Ali St John. "For I have no pants"

 

Sure enough, as they all looked at Mustapha-Ali, his pants were missing! As luck would have it, while Juliet was about to feint Romeo happened to walk by...

[STRYKER]

Romeo glanced sideways into the Jewellers and saw his Fiance standing with some strange guy with no pants on. Suspecting foul play, he was immediately filled with rage and jeolousy. He came charging into the shop intent on beating his supposed rival to a pulp.

 

"How dare you inveigh thyself upon my beloved " he screamed.

 

And without further ado, he leapt upon the hapless Ali-Mustapha St John and began pummeling him with abandon. The shop descended into chaos and hysteria as everyone shouted and screamed to the accompaniment blows raining down on defenseless flesh.

 

"Help ! Help " screamed Ali-Mustapha St John, scrabbling futiley for the back door.

 

"Do something ! Do something " Juliet implored desperately of the Jeweller.

 

"I want you out of here right now, you disreputable hoodlums " the Jeweller yelled, reaching under the counter for his trusty shotgun. "This is a place of business. If you don't take it outside right now, I'm gonna start blowing people away "

 

He was loading buckshot and preparing to go Hollywood, when suddenly two police officers walked through the door.

 

"Hello, Hello,' said one, "what do we have here ?"

[Accounting Troll]

... then the jewller gave the first policeman both barrels in the face, and the other police officer ran for it.

 

"What did you do that for?" screamed Romeo as he let the unconscious form of Ali-Mustapha St John (copy and paste) slump to the floor.

 

"Dratted Dixon of Dock Green fan club is meeting down the road," complained the jeweller. "That's the eighth wannabe copper I've shot this evening."

 

Satisfied with this explanation, Romeo was about to kick Ali in the head when Juliet got between them. "Why didn't you return my calls?"

 

"There's a simple explanation for that," began Romeo. "I was just about to when I looked across the road and I saw a pair of trousers flapping in the wind. I immediately..."

[STRYKER]

.. rushed over to defend your virtue, guessing correctly that you were in the vicinity and that you were probably being accosted by this hideous rapist over here." Romeo kicked Ali-Mustapha St John viciously for emphasis.

 

"Would you stop doing that " Juliet cried. "He wasn't accosting me. As a matter of fact, he was trying to help me raise cash for my forthcoming novel."

 

"What, by ripping off his trousers and waving his dingdong in the air ? " Romeo sneered. "Yeah, I can see how one can make millions doing that."

 

"Actually, that isn't as farfetched as it sounds" the Jeweller chimed in. "My kid brother used to be a porn star. Retired a billionaire, he did. Even won a couple of oscars."

 

"Can somebody call me an ambulance ?" Ali-Mustapha St John whimpered pitiously from the corner, spitting blood. " I'm dying here. I need help."

 

"You don't need an ambulance, you pervert." Romeo snarled at him. "You need a hearse." He looked at the the Jeweller, indicating the shotgun. "Can you lend me your piece, old man ? I need to finish off this guy."

 

"No. No. No." said the Jeweller emphatically, waving his hand. "There's been enough killiing here for one day. Beside I need to save my bullets for when the next cop shows up."

 

He stepped around the counter, picked up the office phone and began dialling for an ambulance.

 

Without warning, the dead cop rose to his feet, dripping brains all over the floor. He stretched out his arms like a zombie and began shuffling murderously in the Jeweller's direction.

 

Juliet screamed. Romeo screamed. Ali-Mustapha St John screamed.

 

And the Jeweller ....

[NKF]

... sighed. "Would you cut that out, it wasn't funny the first time" He threw up his hands in exasperation and pleaded at the ceiling, for it was in the way, to knock some sense into these idiots.

 

The dead corpse was cast aside with a dull thump. There was a young man, with a grin so wide that it was amazing the top of his head was still attached. He seemed rather pleased with his little joke. He walked over the corpse, trod on Ali's hand and left a boot mark on Juliet's dress.

 

The man's uniform bore the distinct colours of a postal worker and smelled of soap. Apart from that, and a tulip in his front breast pocket, he wasn't particularly remarkable. Not remarkable at all.

 

"I thought you already sent the mail this morning?" Asked the jeweller.

 

"Well, this appeared in the mail bag after I'd done my run." The mailman reached into his bag and pulled out a wrapped parcel. "It's care of your address, but I don't recognise the name. Who is ..."

 

 

- NKF

[STRYKER]

.... Ali-Mustapha St John ?"

 

"Over here" Ali-Mustapha St John, slumped in a corner, mumbled through swollen lips. "Please forgive me. I'm not looking my best today."

 

"That's quite all right, pal," the postman said, ambling over. "What kinda name is Ali-Mustapha St John anyway ? Are you a muslim or a Christian ? I mean, how does a guy end up with a name like that ?"

 

"Do you want the long version or the short one ?" Ali-Mustapha asked tiredly, reaching for the parcel.

 

"Er, sorry pal," the Postman said, pulling the parcel out of reach. "I'm afraid you're gonna have to sign for that before I can hand it over."

 

"No can do, friend" Ali-Mustapha St John groaned, gesturing weakly in Romeo's direction. "That gorilla over there already broke all of my fingers."

 

"I'll sign for him " Juliet said eagerly, rushing over.

 

"You okay with that ?" the postman asked Ali-Mustapha St John.

 

"Yeah. Let her sign."

 

Juliet signed for the parcel and the postman departed.

 

"So who is it from ?" Romeo asked curiously, inching closer.

 

Juliet studied the return address on the parcel.

 

"It says here from someone named Osama Bin something or the other. Sorry, can't make out the last part."

 

"Why is it ticking like that ?" the Jeweller asked suspiciously.

 

Juliet held the parcel to her ear. "Sounds like there's a clock inside."

 

"A clock ?" Romeo asked, frowning.

 

"Yeah. A big, fat clock." Juliet turned the parcel over in her hands. "With wires attached."

 

"Let's open it up, shall we ?" She smiled at Ali-Mustapha St John. "I bet this would look great on your mantlepiece."

 

She began to unwrap the parcel.

 

"No " screamed Romeo.

 

"No " screamed Ali-Mustapha St John.

 

"No " screamed the Jeweller.

 

But it was too late. Juliet had already ripped the parcel open.

 

BOOM !

 

A powerful flash enveloped the shop, occasioned by a thunderous roar.

[Accounting Troll]

...However Romeo had served in the baroque wars between the Italian city states, where he had seen a comrade fall on a grenade to save his unit. Instinctively knowing that they would not all get out of this alive, Romeo heroically pushed the jeweller onto the parcel. The jewller's body took the brunt of the blast, killing him instantly. However, the other people in the shop survived.

 

"What now?" asked Juliet.

 

"Let's pinch all the jewllery and cash in the shop" said Ali-Mustapha St John. Then an author will tell the story of my name and write in a sufficiently gruesome death for Romeo."

 

Juliet put on her knuckle duster on and punched Romeo, flooring him instantly. "That's for not returning my calls, you scumbag! Ali, can you walk?"

 

"I think so. A lot of my bones were dislocated by that troglodytre, but the blast popped them right back, admittedly with some excrutiating agony."

 

So the new couple left the ruined shop and went to...

[STRYKER]

... wards the village pawnshop, Jullet's handbag bulging with expensive jewelry, Ali-Mustapha St John's pockets stuffed with wads of banknotes from the Jeweller's safe.

 

"Things certainly are looking up" he grinned happily, dancing a jig on the cobbles. "At this rate, we'll have our story all wrapped up by next month. We'll be famous. We'll be big-time celebrities ! They'll be falling over themselves to print our pictures in the Sun and O.K. Magazine."

 

"Yes darling," Juliet concurred lovingly. "Who knows. We might even get to appear on Celebrity Big Brother."

 

"Yeah ! And maybe even on `I'm a celebrity get me out of here' " Ali-Mustapha St John added.

 

"Of course you'll have to marry me immediately afterwards" Juliet pointed out. "Just like Jordan and that musician guy did after they appeared on I'm a Celebrity."

 

"NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT " somebody yelled ferociously to their left.

 

The startled couple looked in that direction to see Romeo leap out of a side alley, his soot-encrusted features twisted with vengeance and unbridled lunacy. Craddled in his arms was the dead Jeweller's shotgun.

 

"First you steal my share of the loot and then you steal my woman ?" he screamed at Mustapha-Ali St John maniacally. "Well, this time I'm gonna kill you for sure ! And then after that I'm gonna take your loot off your dead body. And then after that I'm gonna take back my woman. And then after that I'm gonna take her to the Bahamas for a long deserved holiday. And then after that I'm gonna get us both on Celebrity Big Brother for some big-time media exposure "

 

He pointed the shotgun at Ali-Mustapha St John. "Here's where we part company, partner "

 

But just as he was about to squeeze the trigger ....

[FullAuto]

Juliet struck!

Exercising her patented Seven-Fingered Dragon technique, she shattered Romeo's arm, twisting the shotgun away from him and jamming the barrel against the base of his skull.

"Ah." Romeo said. "Now, you see, when I said-"

Ali struck him soundly about the head and face, delivering an almighty thrashing despite his numerous aches and pains. "Now the shoe is on the other foot" He screamed, taking off his belt and whipping Romeo with it.

Juliet let this go on for a little while, before tiring and using her deadly Frying Tiger style and popping Romeo's kneecap clean off.

"He's harmless now." She flung the shotgun away, where it struck the ground and went off, wounding a small child.

Ali sighed, nudging the writing Romeo with his foot. "If I had my way, he would be armless. Ha ha."

Juliet just stared.

And with that poor joke, they carried on.

[STRYKER]

At length Juliet and Ali-Mustapha St John arrived at the village Pawnshop and walked in.

 

The owner eyed them sleepily from his place behind the counter.

 

"Hello there," Juliet announced breezily, "I've got some stuff here that I would like to exchange for some cold, hard cash."

 

"How much cash did you have in mind ?" asked the pawnshop owner, straightening.

 

"About two hundred grand, maybe two fifty ? Juliet replied.

 

The pawnshop guy grunted. "Okay, lady. Let's see what you've got."

 

Juliet walked up the counter and up-ended her bag on the countertop. Diamonds and jewelry spilled forth.

 

The Pawnshop owner grunted his approval. "This brings back fond memories of those guys who came to see me right after the Brinks bullion robbery" he said.

 

He cracked his knuckles and began sifting through the glittering pile. Then he got up and went to the back of the shop, returning moments later with an electron microscope. He switched on the device he began subjecting the choicest diamonds to spectroscopic analysis.

 

"This isn't going to take too long, is it ?" asked Ali-Mustapha St John impatiently

 

The pawnshop owner ignored him, adjusting the controls on the microscope and studying a readout. At length he straightened.

 

"I can offer you one fifty" he announced.

 

"Dollars ?" Juliet asked, aghast.

 

"Grand" the Pawnshop owner said.

 

"Oh, one hundred and fifty grand ?" Juliet said, brightening

 

"Yep."

 

"In dollars ?"

 

"Yep. But I can also pay you in roubles if you want."

 

"Roubles ? What's that ?"

 

"Soviet currency. "

 

"Er, I don't think so."

 

"For the record, I also offer a good rate in Indian Rupees, Columbian Pesos and Algerian Dinars. "

 

"What about Ugandan Shillings" Ali-Mustapha St John wanted to know.

 

The pawnshop guy shook his head. "Sorry sir, can't help you there."

 

"So how much is our merchandise worth in Pesos ?" Juliet asked.

 

The pawnshop guy whipped out his calculator and jabbed at the keyboard. "About ten thousand billion trillion" he said.

 

Juliet brightened. "Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay, we'll accept payment in Pesos."

 

"In that case," the pawnshop owner responded, "you'll have to excuse me for a moment while I go fetch my wheelbarrow."

 

He left the counter and disappeared into the recesses of his shop.

 

While Juliet and Ali-Mustapha St John waited for his return, the front door of the shop swung open suddenly and in walked ....

[Accounting Troll]

...some soldiers. The crest on their tabards was that of the Montague family. "Seize the Capulet woman", shouted the sergeant. "She murdered Romeo"

 

As the guards grabbed Juliet, she shouted to Ali to defend her honour and person. He looked at the guards - the smallest of them was a foot bigger than him and they had a mean look in their eyes.

 

"Stay out of this, or we cut your throat," shouted one of the guards to Ali.

 

Ali looked at the men and thought about how Juliet would be unable to collect her share of the money. "Okay then, nice knowing you Juliet."

 

When the guards had dragged Juliet off to prison, the pawnbroker arrived with the wheelbarrow full of money and...

[STRYKER]

... and Ali promptly loaded the loot into some hefty sacks bought off the pawnbroker at a discount.

 

He immediately retired to a nearby pub and began partying in earnest, buying drinks for all and sundry and generally celebrating his good fortune.

 

At some point however, he began to miss Juliet terribly and grew remorseful of his betrayal of her. A couple of hours later found him crying inconsolably into his pint.

 

He explained his problem to the bartender.

 

"Wait here" the bartender said, and disappeared into the smoke-filled gloom.

 

The bartender returned moments later with a burly looking individual in tow. His companion was encased in a suit of armour, carried a burnished shield and wore a huge, jewel encrusted sword.

 

"Ali," the Bartender announced expansively, "Let me introduce you to mister Robin Hood."

 

"How do you do, sir," Ali greeted, offering Robin Hood a limp handshake.

 

"Very well, thankyou" Robinhood replied, accepting Ali's hand in a bonecrushing grip.

 

"Listen, Ali," Robin began, "Leroy here has explained your problem and I would like to help."

 

"How ?"

 

"By initiating a hostage rescue contingency operation."

 

"Meaning what, exactly ?"

 

"We spring your girl out of the can."

 

Sobering up fast, Ali digested this dastardly piece of proposed strategy.

 

"You're proposing breaking Juliet out of jail ?" he asked incredulously.

 

"Well, actually I was going to stage a rescue operation of my own at the same correctional facility sometime today, anyway. You see, the sheriff of Nottingham nabbed a couple of my boys last week. They didn't do anything wrong, just earning an honest days graft on the Queen's highway. But they got nabbed anyway. And now I intend to get them back. Might as well grab your girl on the same mission, what ?"

 

"Count me in" Ali declared, leaping off his stool with alarcrity. "Lead the way, dear knight. Juliet my love. Here I come "

 

Robin Hood whistled twice and forty vicious-looking thugs stepped forward from all over the pub. Some were armed with swords and machetes. Others with AK-47s and RPGs.

 

"Mister Ali," Robin Hood declared with an expansive gesture, "I'll like you to meet my merry men."

 

"Before we leave, I'll like to propose a toast. "Ali declared, raising his pint. "For Queen and Country "

 

"For Queen and Country " Robin Hood and his merry men echoed boisterously.

 

Downing their drinks, the motley assemblage left the pub and marched in earnest towards the city jail.

[STRYKER]

They arrived at the jail at fourteen hundred hours exactly and immediately surrounded the facility in a pincher movement.

 

The prison governor sounded the alarm and raised the level of prepareness to DEFCON 4.

 

What happened next was that ...

[Accounting Troll]

...that Juliet walked out of the prison accompanied by a man.

 

"Who the hell's he?" asked Ali-Mustapha St John.

 

"Damm it, that's Jack of Kent" screamed Robin Hood. "He's my main rival in the heroic outlaw business. Comes from the Welsh borders, but he won't stay there. Well I've had enough of him spoiling my heroic rescues. Little John, kill him"

 

A lumbering giant of a man shuffled forward.

 

"Why do you call him LITTLE John?" asked Ali.

 

"Because he's so big." Robin's men burst out laughing at the sheer subtle hilarity of this joke. Still, there probably isn't much to do in Sherwood Forest in the evenings.

 

Jack of Kent moved with surprising speed and skewered Little John on the point of his sword. Robin and his suddenly not so merry men beat an indecently hasty retreat.

 

"Thanks for rescuing my girl, bud," said Ali-Mustapha St John.

 

However Juliet was angry with Ali, who had left her to rot in the prison. "I'm not your girl any more. Jack of Kent rescued me with his courage, intelligence and dashing good looks. You know how swashbuckling fims go - he gets the girl."

 

Jack of Kent looked into Juliet's soft doe-like eyes. "Before we kiss, there is something you have to know about me..."

[STRYKER]

"What ?" Juliet asked.

 

"I'm actually a vampire" Jack of Kent replied.

 

"Oh, dear" Ali said, unable to hide his glee. "That has to play hell with your love life, no ?"

 

"As a matter of fact it does, unfortunately" Jack of Kent said with a sad shrug. "All my previous girlfriends have quickly expired due to sudden excessive blood loss. And this is only in winter."

 

"What happens in summer ?" Ali asked.

 

"Well, around that time a seasonal physiological adjustment occurs and suddenly I begin to crave human flesh in large quantities." Jack of Kent explained. " In short, I am transformed into a werewolf."

 

"Oh, you poor baby," Juliet said with genuine sympathy.

 

"And that isn't the worst of it," Jack of Kent complained bitterly. "During spring I turn into an Elf and can eat only flowers and a special kind of hay which is havested in Finland."

 

"Wow," Ali regarded Jack in awe. "From meat eater to vegetarian in one fell swoop ! That can't be good for the digestion."

 

Jack grunted in agreement. "There's more. At the begining of every autumn another change occurs in which I am transformed into a Troll. During this cycle I tend to feed on rocks of all kinds, with a preference for granite, quartz and limestone. I also imbibe diesel fuel in large quantities."

 

"Isn't there some kind of a cure ?" Juliet asked, distressed.

 

"As a matter of fact there is," Jack replied. "This unusual lifestyle is the result of a curse inflicted upon me by a particularly nasty witch who lives in the southern mountains."

 

"Why, what did you do to her ?" Ali asked.

 

"Well, she and I used to date." Jack replied. "But I got fed up of her strange ways and eventually dumped her."

 

"That explains everything" Ali nodded knowingly.

 

"Well, something needs to be done " Juliet said indignantly. "Nobody should have to live the way you do. We must do something "

 

"There is only one way to lift the curse," Jack explained. "First of all ......"