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[FullAuto]

Hired by Enrico Chivaldori to overthrow his evil ex-wife Queen Deidranna and free Arulco, off I go, absurdly optimistic.

In this game, I will be playing Expert/Tons of Guns/Iron Man/Sci-Fi, because I've played JA2 a lot over the years.  I'm not very good at it, but I have played it a lot.


The only initial recruiting point for mercs is the Association of International Mercenaries, whose range of crazed killers stretches from the budget-priced thugs like Bull, all the way up to supremely skilled thugs like Gus.


I quickly pick out a squad that I can afford.  $30,000 to hire mercs to overthrow a country?  I like value for money too, but where's your sense of proportion, Enrico?

Barry is my explosives 'expert'.  He's also a decent shot, good Agility and Strength, and his high Wisdom means his skills will improve quickly.  He's also going to be my mechanic, unless I gain a sudden windfall allowing me to hire someone who knows that maintenance sometimes goes beyond simply hitting things.  $6,995.


Barry forgets the whole 'heavy breathing' thing and ruins the call.


Bull is cheap muscle.  He's very strong, slow, and capable of beating the living shit out of anyone who is not currently Superman.  Or Batman.  $4,500.


The call goes swimmingly:


Grizzly is a good all-round soldier, and is also skilled in a bit of the old fisticuffs.  $6,000.


Malice is the last member of my not-very-rounded squad.  A good soldier, he also likes stabbing people in the face and kicking them in the balls (not always in that order).  $10,000.


Being Quebecois, he has certain 'eccentricities':


Malice's frilly undercrackers aside, I have a decent squad here.  All fairly robust, (in my games, 'Bull' is often short for 'Bullet Sponge'), with two places left for a mechanic and a medic.  Barry is a decent bomb doctor and improves quickly.  Grizzly will usually develop into a kick-arse soldier.  Bull can't really be any better at beating people up than he already is, but he sometimes manages to ignore his slow metabolism and fast pie arm and actually run a bit.  Malice is nippy, and packs a decent punch.  Because of his Dexterity, he's also good at chucking grenades (Grizzly and Bull excel at 'accidentally' hitting friendlies with them thanks to their low Dex).

Bull, Griz and Mal have been hired without equipment, because they're going to live off the land (read: get shot a lot and nick stuff).  I want the explosives and other kit Barry has, so he's lucky, being the only one turning up with armour and a gun.

Arulco, in all its glory:


The M-Team (M for 'Manly') drop into Omerta, the first town of Arulco.  Who lies in wait?  Who would dare?

[Thorondor]

Have gun, will travel...

::

[FullAuto]

OPERATION PUNCHFACE- The Battle for Omerta.

M-Team rappell down from da choppa:


On the way in, Malice fiddled with his expensive French undies, Grizzly and Bull had a headbutting competition, and Barry sang Hungarian folk songs in the kind of annoying monotone that drives loving family men to go on killing sprees.

The game slips into real time mode, as there are enemies present, but not visible.  Barry, who actually has a weapon, goes one way, and the other three whose hands and feet are deadly weapons, circle around.  They spot an enemy in no time, and it all goes turn-based:


As said goon comes round the corner, Grizzly pounces:


Disarmed, the goon punches with all the efficacy of a thalidomide child, and is beaten to death by Malice and Bull.  Unable to hold back the fury any more, Bull performs indescribable acts on the corpse that provoke Griz to reveal his man crush:


Meanwhile, Barry hides in a building and upon opening a door, spots an enemy closing in.  He lets fly with a shot from his .38, and misses by a country bloody mile.  Start as you mean to go on, Bazzer.


Barry decides cowardice is better than being shot in the guts and shitting into a bag for the rest of his life and retreats, waiting for the moron to enter the building.  Said moron duly does, and Barry duly shoots him:


Malice uses those running skills the French are famed for the world over, and steals a weapon:

The enemy did not survive long enough to wonder who was kicking him in the face.

Bull waddles across the road as fast as his chubby thighs can power him, hides in a building, and looms over the enemy unlucky enough to try to flank the fattest merc in AIM.  Another gun 'acquired':


"Justice to your face!" Malice squeals as he pans another fool's face in, disdaining to use anything so vulgar as a firearm:


Now that everyone is armed, the four smoothly sweep through the rest of the sector, weapons ready.  Well, three of them do, Bull puffs along like a fat steam engine behind them, wondering when it's going to be pie o'clock.  Malice spots yet another enemy, but manages to refrain from sprinting forward and punching him until his face comes off.

"Out of range, sacre bleu!" He swears, spitting on the ground, his pistol, at the enemy, and eventually all over himself.

But wait, is that Grizzly sneaking through the building?

[FullAuto]

As Malice pops in and out of cover, distracting the enemy like a Jacques-in-the-box, Grizzly sneaks through the building, emerges, and tears another weapon from another hapless enemy.


The last enemy, alone and now unarmed, pleas for mercy.

Bull eats him alive.  Grizzly looks on, an expression almost like lust on his face.

"Sacre bleu," mutters Malice as he backs away from the horror, "even we French do not eat zome sings.  Not unless it iz made into a nice roulade first, anyway."

Barry resumes singing, making occasional onomatopoeiac explosion noises between verses.

After finishing his meal, Bull searches the rest of the town, marking each unoccupied building with a huge spray of urine, until he finds someone.


Somehow, he manages not to kill her, shitting himself with the effort, and gives her the letter from Enrico Chivaldori.  Unperturbed by the gross man-thing's incontinence, Fatima decides to guide the mercs:

Which is lucky, because Bull wanted seconds.

She takes the three men and one blubber beast to the next sector of Omerta, which is unoccupied by enemies.  The sole occupant of the rest of the town is Dimitri, loitering suspiciously outside an empty building, definitely not on guard.  He, rather unwisely, makes threats as well as agreeing to help.  Like Bull, he likes to have his cake and eat it.

Though Bull would rather just eat the baker than bother with cakes.

"Mon ami," Malice warns him, pointing to Bull, "zat...sing...will eet your face.  Ferme la bouche!"

"Bush?" Dimitri looks unimpressed, and swaggers on.

Grizzly punches himself in the face to stave off boredom as Barry brings up the rear, reciting a litany of Soviet anti-personnel mines.

A cunningly-hidden set of stairs leads down under the building, to a cellar full of people.  Some of them idiots:

You question the former king's reasons in hiring mercs to overthrow his ex-wife, who is now ruling his country?  Tell me, retard, who could possibly have a better reason to overthrow Deidranna?

Thankfully, the other members of the rebel movement are not as stupid, though much sleazier:

Floppy fringe, r'n'beard, ear ring...rebel indeed.

Miguel demands we travel to Drassen and contact a Father John Walker, who will provide aid to the mauled rebels.  To assist us, the most useless member of the rebels, Ira "Dead Meat" Smythe:

Five years?  Quite frankly I'm surprised it took you that long to drop the rebellion in deep shit with your incompetence and Marksmanship of 55, you idle cow.

Inventory check time:


Two Glock 17s, a Colt .45, two .38s, a Desert Eagle, and a Thompson submachine gun.  Not too shabby!  The Thompson, although it takes up a lot of Action Points, has a four-round burst mode, which makes it quite deadly at close range.  Four 30-round mags of .45 ACP to go with it as well, which is plenty.

Malice gets it, he's the best shot (Marksmanship 83).  Griz gets the DE, Barry gets the Glocks, Ira gets the piss-weak .38s, and Bull gets the Colt .45 with some extra ammo from the Thompson mags.

Have gun, will shoot people in the face a lot.

[DragonHawk]

FA, your writing style truly leaves little to the imagination.  Such a nasty, nasty guy....

[Pete]

Who? Bull or FullAuto?

[FullAuto]

Our first sight of the Wicked Tyrant of the South, Deidranna:


And her hapless lackey-cum-slapping post, Eliot.


So, to Drassen!

Actually, no.  Miguel can stick his bloody fetch quest up his arse.


To Cambria!

On the way there, Ira cries out on point because of land mines, Bull follows picking his teeth with a splinter from a human femur, Grizzly does his best to keep his eyes off Bull's buttocks, Barry imagines every object he sees exploding, and Malice brings up the rear, emitting a French sigh every fifteen minutes.  Until Ira sobs "Contact front!" and collapses in despair.


The mercs investigate, sending Ira on ahead by getting Bull to smile at her, revealing shreds of human skin and pubic hair trapped between his teeth.  It turns out, it's not an enemy!


Ira licks her lips at the dusky native, but sadly there's no space on the team for him.  "We're full up, sorry." Explains Grizzly, apologetic. "Me, Barry, Ira, Malice and Bull.  That's six."

Malice makes a cruel (but quiet) remark about Bull's girth taking up two spaces as they troop off, leaving Hamous behind, brow furrowed, counting slowly on his fingers.

They trek on, briefly stopping to let Bull defecate.  "Sacre bleu, they will think we have le elefant with us." Malice mutters, circling round the huge pile of droppings.

OPERATION CRUSHBALLS - The Battle for Cambria


This sector is taken up by only two buildings, the hospital and the small storage warehouse.

"It looks like a big multiplication mark picking on a little minus sign." laughed Bull.  Grizzly faked a chuckle while the others looked away.

Lightly armed and armoured, I go in the back way, and surprise an enemy taking a relaxing wee.

"Le pissor!" screams Malice as he runs into cover, giving away everyone's position.

A quick few turns of fire and movement sees my team at the rear entrance.  Ira goes in first at the insistence of Grizzly's boot, and Barry follows.  "I'll be Cagney, you can be Lacey!" screams Ira, bullshit with fear already.  

Barry, pausing to work out what she means, as Cagney and Lacey only made it to Hungary in an edited version that showed how inept Western police forces were, gets shot.

Along with Bull, who barely notices through all that cellulite.

Another enemy makes the mistake of jumping out on Bull:

And is horribly murdered (one bullet, then two fists) for his trouble.

[FullAuto]

Barry, muttering a comforting list of plastic explosives while his wound pisses blood all over the floor, explores the hospital.  And finds a massage parlour.  Apparently.

"Massage?" Barry dips his finger into a pool of red fluid nearby. "With tomato sauce?  Pah!  Decadent Western filth!"

He turns and leaves in disgust.  Joining up with Ira and Grizzly in the corridor, they press on.  Ira, encouraged by the muzzle of Grizzly's Desert Eagle, peeks through the next doorway.  The enemy there grins, and dies in a hail of bullets.  Barry, faint from blood loss and drunk on success, staggers into the doorway, keen to advance.

And is shot again.  He passes out, blood spurting from two holes.  The bullet holes, that is.

Grizzly slams the door closed on the enemies beyond while Ira breaks out her medical kit, sobbing "You can be Cagney!  You can be Cagney!" as she administers a dressing and readies an IV.

Bull and Malice take up the rear, guarding the position until Barry is healed.  Barry, badly wounded, will take a while to recover, and will be vulnerable to further damage, so he guards the back door while Bull and Malice get on with clearing the rest of the hospital.

No sooner has this happened, than an enemy wrenches open the door, waving a rifle and asking if any of them would like a lead salad.


Everyone misses.  Everyone.  Pathetic.  Even Barry, who moved to stand right next to him.  All you had to do was stick the muzzle in his ear, you fool!  Next turn, Grizzly's gun jams.  The enemy starts to laugh.  Grizzly starts to laugh.  The enemy stops laughing.  Grizzly runs over and headbutts him.

Unconscious, the enemy barely feels three of Barry's 9mm rounds pass through his flesh, and regains consciousness to shoot Grizzly.  The last thing he sees is a size twelve combat boot descending towards his face.

Bull eagerly waves a first aid kid he 'acquired' and begins tending to Grizzly's bullet wound.

"This, uh.  This looks pretty gay." Grizzly murmurs, looking down at Bull knelt before him.

Bull ignores him, tongue peeping out between his teeth as he concentrates on sticking a plaster over the bullet wound.  Grizzly closes his eyes and tries not to get aroused.

Bull honestly doesn't know which to take.

In the end he took both, giving the regeneration booster to Barry and keeping the porn.  Priorities.

The rest of the hospital is a cinch, one enemy in each wing and one idiot who insists in running from the front door all the way along the main hall towards Malice's Thompson.  Malice, thanks to his sheer cowardice, misses consistently until getting shot focuses his mind, and he splatters the pristine walls with red, red blood.

All done.


What have I gained?  Possession of a sector, and:

A Mini-14 rifle, Beretta 9mm pistol, a machete, a knife, a throwing knife, some first-aid kits, and three hand grenades.  The rifle and grenades will come in very handy.  Barry has also snaffled some RDX, which is a potent but unstable explosive.

From here, I'm going to work my way clockwise around Cambria, clearing the mine last.  Grizzly gets the Mini-14 as his Marksmanship is good, with range 25 (compared to 12 for most pistols) it offers a decent advantage.  Only problem is, I have no ammo for it.  The 27 rounds loaded are all I have, so he'll have to pick his shots.

Barry can have the Beretta, there isn't enough 9mm ammo to spread around.

Malice gets the grenades, he's the only one with Dexterity high enough to trust.  Because he has the knifing skill, he also gets the machete.  Chop chop.

Bull gets a first-aid kit because he won't let go of it and not even Grizzly will try and make him.

Ira gets nothing because she's bloody useless.

Because I don't have a mechanic, and most of my weapons have been nicked from enemies, they're in pretty poor state, and the worse they are the more often they will jam.  I need to remedy this fairly soon, even if it's just finding a tool kit and letting Barry do his 'best'.

The squad assignments in the aftermath tells its own story:


As night descends, the group get some lip from the staff:

Grizzly punches the cheeky bastard, while Bull settles down to some roast thigh, Malice reminisces about losing his virginity, Barry makes some goulash using medical supplies, and Ira locks herself in a room and hides under the bed.

[sluissa]

want... more...

I must know what bodily function of Bull's will occur next. Must know how many faces grizzly will step on next sector, must know how long Ira lasts before she dies or is married off to rednecks.

[FullAuto]

Exploring the hospital as they recuperate, M-Team harass the staff and patients at will.

Bull is kept sedated with horse tranquillisers, but still wanders around accosting folk.

Bruce "Call me Steve" Willis hiding out in a Third World hospital.  The wig doesn't even fool Bull.

Ira attempts to conceal her useless nature by talking rubbish:

Can't they?  Really?  You'd know, I suppose, as everyone else has a marketable skill.

Bull finds a man in a wheelchair and pushes him into walls for a while, until he cracks and tells Bull of his first sexual experience:

In far too much detail:


Enrico decides to take the piss by email:

Invaluable?  Is that like "priceless", only shit?

And AIM has a competitor:


So off I go to check it out!

To discover a web page built by a moron:

Biff...Apscott?  THE Biff Apscott?

To shut Speck up, I open an account, and peruse the available idiots.

Biff "Special Needs" Apscott:


Frankie "Don't make me cut ya" Gordon:


Doug "I f'get stuff" Milton:


Bill "Please make me cut ya" Lamont:


Another useless woman:


And Tim "Speech Impediment" Hillman:


What a shower.

[FullAuto]

OPERATION CRUSHBALLS - Phase 2

Fully healed (at least physically), the infamous five head east, into the next section of Cambria.

Knowing there's got to be plenty of enemies around, they make a considered tactical decision to run like billy-o for the wall, which is good cover.

Coincidentally leaving Ira behind.  She's only got little legs.

"It's because I'm a woman, isn't it!" Ira squeals as the bullets pepper the wall.

"No!" Grizzly shouts back, ducking down. "It's because you're shit!"

Motivated by anger and delusion that she can be of use, Ira sprints forward and joins the other mercs in what will be known as the Battle of the Wall Corner in Arulcan legend.


Bull takes a rifle round to the head.

Understandably, it does very little damage.

Barry follows suit, eager to demonstrate the occasionally popular Hungarian national sport of headbutting bullets out of the air:


After a quick exchange of fire, in which Ira never hits and Grizzly never misses (even if one was a flukey miss that hit the enemy behind the target), it is soon proved that stone stops bullets better than air, and in the lull, Malice makes a run for the building:

The enemy is shot for his trouble, not knowing that going up against a semi-automatic 5.56mm rifle and .45 calibre Tommy gun while armed only with a pistol is a tad optimistic if you're not Chow Yun Fat.

Ira fixes Bull and Barry as bullets continually splash around them, chipping the top of the wall.  Bull's marksmanship does its stuff as he shoots the wall right in front of him several turns in a row.

As a new, and less stupid batch of enemies turn up, the four wall-bound mercs engage them with rapid fire.

Malice drops flat and wriggles for the wall, hissing "Serpent serpent serpent." under his breath.

Because Malice gave away his position pretending to be a snake, and because Ira is stupid, when they popped up they both got shot.  In the head.

Morons.

Abject cowardice is the friend that never abandons you, and Ira and Barry make for the hospital, shortly followed by the rest.

Take Two.

Same plan, goes better this time.  No-one gets hurt really badly, but Grizzly, Bull and Malice all get marked by an enemy wielding a shotgun.  Grizzly hits him in reply as he gets pebbledashed with buckshot, but only in the shoulder.  "Thank God, it's just a flesh wound!" The wounded enemy pants, only for Barry to rise on the other side of the wall and shoot him in the face.

Barry nabs a Colt Commando from a dead body, and M-Team sweep the rest of the sector.


The last enemy is cowering behind a chair in one of the rooms.

"Wait!  I'm a dedicated pacifist!" He screams. "Give peace a chance!"

"I will give pieces of you a chance.  A chance to blow apart!" Barry snarls, and splatters goon guts all over the floor with a burst from his new weapon.

Another sector, another load of crap:

Shotgun cartridges, but no shotgun.  Already got a Desert Eagle.  Those .45 mags are nice though.  There's other stuff lying around, a few bits and bobs and some chests, but they're booby trapped.  Time for Barry to go to work.

Ira tops it off by ranting about socio-economics:

[FullAuto]

Drained of medical supplies thanks to the latest round of healing, desperate measures are needed.  That means robbing the hospital's stores.  Well, not necessarily, but that's what I'm going to do.  The door humiliated all my earlier attempts, even Bull couldn't crowbar it open, and Barry's Mechanical skill motivated him to use the lock picks on the hinges.

So time to deploy the boom:

"In Hungary we make explosives with piss!" He celebrates.

Inside, plenty of medical gear, mainly first aid kits and medical kits, with a few regeneration boosts and a pair of gas masks.


The extra stuff is doled out, with Barry immediately putting on a gas mask and insisting everyone calls him Dark Vader as he breathes heavily behind them.  One snarl from Bull and Barry gets on with his work, defusing the booby-trapped items in the school sector.

A Light Anti-tank Weapon, two tear gas grenades, one smoke grenade, one frag grenade, two 40mm grenades (but no grenade launcher), and another jar of RDX.  Having defused the traps without blowing his fingers off, Barry does a lap of the school waving his arms, only to step on a land mine.

Prat.

More healing ensues, and I need a mechanic badly.  The LAW and those grenades will need fixing before I can use them, and my guns' wear and tear only increases with every battle.  Soon, jamming is going to become a problem.  I might have to hire Gasket, though I don't have a lot of money, with MERC you don't have to pay up front, and you can delay payment for a few days.  Plus Gasket's cheap.

While laid up 'resting' when Bull isn't poking fingers into his wounds, Barry admires his new weapon and strokes it with worrying affection:

Good little weapon actually, close in it's a beast, so it'll be perfect for the urban combat M-Team will face in the next few battles.  I'd give it to someone else but Barry won't let go of it.

And Cambria really likes me now!

20%!  Woo hoo.

Phase 3


Dodging through the trees in the north-east corner of the sector, heading quickly for the buildings, M-Team spot an enemy and take up good (for them) firing positions.

Needless to say, Bull gets shot twice in quick succession.  He actually runs a little faster, not because it hurt but because the bullets blew some of the fat off him.  Ira, heading over to patch him up, takes a round as well and cowers behind a tree for the rest of the firefight, occasionally poking her .38 out of cover and firing blind.

It ends badly for the bad guys.  In the ensuing shootout, the Colt Commando, Mini-14 and Tommy gun tell over the enemies' pistols.  M-Team thread their way through the town, looking for the few remaining scum.

"Oh come on!" Grizzly roars as he runs to a new spot of cover. "I barely shot you!  Twice!"


Two enemies give Barry a nice surprise.

Only for him to return the favour with a four-round burst that kills the closest one.  Malice takes care of the other, at close range.  "Mercy!" Screams the poor fool.

"Non, merci!" Malice cackles, and turns him into chunky salsa.

It's over quicker than they can bring themselves to believe.  Ira decides to cover up her glee with another lecture from Arulco: Shit or Bust, her guide to the country in four hundred and fifty three steps of intermediate difficulty, complete with full colour illustrations (crayon).


Bull, looking for something to eat aside from human flesh, explores the local greasy spoon.  This one has one more disreputable character than most:

How did you get through Customs with that fringe?

Carmen Dancio (if that is his real name) makes an offer M-Team can't refuse, because they're nearly broke.

Just one minor detail:

Malice groans when told of the opportunity.  "Sacre bleu!  Merde!  'Ow are we zupposed to stop 'im eating ze 'eads and," he waves at Bull, who is gnawing at a corpse and relieving himself simultaneously, "once we get 'im cutting off 'eads, 'ow do we get 'im to stop?"

"You're the one with the machete." Grizzly shrugs.

Barry looks on, smiling blankly.  Years of explosions having degraded his hearing to an ocean of tinnitus interspersed with islands of meaningful sound, he can barely hear them.

"Moi!" Malice screams.  "Moi!  MOI?" He begins to spit furiously, covering everyone in saliva.

Bull licks some off his arm and makes appreciative noises before going back to the corpse.

"I once shot a man for asking to borrow moi comb." Malice snarls. "Zum zings you just do not ask a Frenchman to do!"

"You're Canadian.  Like me." Grizzly hoiks a thumb at himself, smiling. "Well, not like me.  But you are Canadian."

"Quebecois, you Anglo peeg!" Malice screams, and stamps off.

[FullAuto]

OPERATION FINDNAUGHTYPEOPLE

#1 Richard Ruttwen, AKA Slay.  Canadian.

Wanted for several political assassinations and owning an r'n'beard without a license.

#2 Name unknown, AKA Mother of Mayhem, MOM.  Scottish.

Wanted for murder, attempted murder, and having a face like a smacked arse.

#3 Kris Carver AKA The Impostor.  American.

Wanted for murder, also linked to a suicide where the victim stabbed himself in the back thirty times.

#4 Tiffany Eddie.  American.

Wanted for murder, and repeated terrible Marlon Brando impressions.

#5 Theodore Rexall, AKA T-Rex.  American.

Wanted for murder, terrorism, and inbreeding.

6# Sammy Elgin, AKA The Druggist.  British.

Wanted for murder, possession of a mullet.

Barry cracks open the town jail, letting one drunk free, and finding four mags of 5.56mm ammo.  Nice one, 120 rounds between two weapons.  Plenty of lead.

Not to mention the spectra helmet, which he sprays with compound 18 to make it even better.

Local businesses refuse to deal with M-Team.  And not just because of Bull's chronic BO.

Bull doesn't understand.  What's wrong with selling porn?

Meanwhile, I may have found a temporary solution to my mechanic problem.

Porko fixes stuff, for a price.

Hmm, I really need a mechanic to join my team, though.  Once I've fixed up my kit, I'll have hardly any money left.  Fancy it, Porky?

Bah.

What items did we get this time:

Not a lot, that Type 85 is a bit rubbish, but it's better than a pistol.  Ira looks sad, as she's the only one without a decent weapon now.  Tough shit, Ira.

Barry's explodey sense tingles.

Just a siren trap (not the kind that lures sailors).  Barry disarms it no problem, but comprehensively fails to pick the lock, and Bull's crowbar and hefty kicks are no more successful.

[FullAuto]

OPERATION CRUSHBALLS - Phase four.

The fourth sector of Cambria, another residential sector.  Guns are loaded, equipment is fixed.  Loins are girded.


Early on, Barry takes a round to the head.  It does exactly three points of damage.

"Not helmet!" He crows. "All me!"

Ira actually managed to hit someone.

Mind you, I then told the silly cow to go prone and she ignored me, and got a shotgun blast for her trouble.  Serves her right.  She hasn't managed to kill a single enemy yet, when the men are into double figures.  The female of the species is more deadly than the male, eh?

A brief but intense streetfight saw Malice take a pair of rounds to the chest.  "Mon Deu, even my wounds are coordinated." He wheezed, sinking down behind a rock. "Tres chic."

Someone caught Grizzly with a lucky pistol shot from well out of range, but regretted it when a steady rain of return fire from Grizzly's Mini-14 whittled him down to dead.

Barry was easily the most valuable merc of the battle, dropping two enemies in one turn.  One keeled over from a well-judged burst, three out of four bullets smacking home with a noise like a nun headbutting a side of beef.  

The second was already wounded but closing in on Malice, as he fixed his wounds and made sure the blood didn't clash with his shirt.  Barry let go an entirely unaimed shot and hit the baddie in the legs, bringing him down, and taking him out.

He went on to rampage up the street, putting a full 30-round mag of 5.56mm hollow-point ammo to good use before flanking the last enemy.

Caught in the crossfire between Grizzly's accurate aimed fire and Barry's haphazard bursts, the enemy soon died the death of a thousand lead slugs.

Four down:

One to go!

In the debriefing period, Bull washed himself in human blood and used the enemy scalps as a towel, Grizzly stared fixedly away from Bull's naked body, Barry hummed the Hungarian national anthem and only sang the really violent bits, Malice tried on several new shirts and injected a 'regeneration booster' to bring his health back up, and Ira?

Ira unleashed the fury between picking pieces of buckshot out of her nipples:

I'm sure if we capture the mine in the next sector she'll simply spontaneously combust from pure anger.

And what did we get this time, kids?

Sod all really, but closer investigation (burglary) of the houses in the sector turned up some .38 ammo and a tool kit.  Barry may be rubbish at fixing things, but he's cheaper than Porky.  

Also recovered another Type 85 and another Thompson.  Ira can have the Thompson, I suppose, as there's enough .45 ammo to go round, but the Type 85 I've no use for, and hardly any 7.62mm Warsaw Pact ammo for it anyway.  That Glock 18 will be useful though.  The best pistol in the game, eats 9mm ammo but can be fired in fully-automatic mode, and a nice 5-round burst tends to put most people right off.

Things were peaceful that night.  The mercs had to share a house, as no sane person would go to sleep in the same building as Bull, but it was no hardship.  Barry volunteered to go on stag, as he had a few hours fiddling with a landmine planned anyway.  It was freezing in the house thanks to the many bullet holes letting in a draught, so the remaining four mercs shared a room for warmth, and dozed to the sound of plastic explosive being coaxed from a mine with savage chisel taps and Hungarian curses.

Malice sang Le Marseillaise under his breath, as Bull began to snore like a chainsaw.

Grizzly licked dry lips, and then nudged his friend. "Bull."

"Mmm?" The man-mountain's face creased as he began to wake.

"Do you...do you want to...make love?" Grizzly barely breathed the words.

Bull's eyes snapped open. "Sure.  I need another one."

Grizzly's eyes went wide and he began to tremble.  Another one?  Another one?  He was dizzy with jealousy and excitement in that instant.  Bull rose and began to paw at his clothes. "Here it is."

Grizzly's face froze in shock.  A glove landed in his lap.  "So." Bull hocked up some phlegm and spat, and the green blob hit the wall and stuck there. "How do you make a glove then?  Because I do need another one."

"Er, no.  No, I said, make-"

Gunfire rang out in town, and M-Team scrambled into action, with Grizzly bringing up the rear, tears of frustration running down his face.



Back in the school sector, back to using the wall as cover:


It works well, although Barry gets overconfident and wanders out beyond the wall and gets shot, twice.

The enemies are quickly taken care of, with bushes coming a distant second to stone in the bullet-stopping stakes.

A few enemies hide out on the other side of the school, but it does them no good, the wall is there for my mercs to hide behind.


And Ira picks up her first kill:


After the battle, everyone goes to bed feeling happy and safe, except for Grizzly, who strings the corpses up from trees and literally beats the shit out of them.

[FullAuto]

OPERATION CRUSHBALLS - Phase 5

This is it chaps (and useless woman).  The big one.  We capture the mine, we capture Cambria, and a supply of money.  I know your contracts are getting short, and you're looking for extensions or exits.  Don't worry.  This is going to be our Horn of Plenty.  Plenty o' money!

The sector only contains two buildings, the mine, and a lot of foliage.


I kick off with everyone behind the main building, and as soon as the battle starts everyone legs it forward.  Except for Bull, who wobbles manfully.

Grizzly and Barry climb up onto the roof of the mining commission building.  As enemies round the south-eastern corner of the building, Bull and Malice engage them alternately at point-blank range with short, controlled burshts.

Anyone who stands up rises into the sights of the giggling pair on the roof, who pop a few skulls.  The enemy are forced to approach crouching or crawling.

Return fire pegs Barry, quite badly, and he slithers to the edge, leaving a snail trail of his own blood behind him, and climbs down.  Ira shoots him up with a regen booster (heroin) while he bandages the gaping bullet hole, grinning hugely.

Bull circles around while the last enemy trades shots with Grizzly, comes round behind him, and tears the rifle from his hands.

"Boo!" Roars the semi-human, and as the enemy backs away, Mal the Knife leaps into action.

"Get your 'ands up or I'll cut you!" Malice screams, waving his machete.

And then stabs him anyway.

M-Team gloat over the haul:

Another Colt Commando, very handy.

MP53 is okay, but the Commando is better.  Unloaded and set aside, the 5.56mm ammo will go to a good cause.

AKSU-74 SMG is also decent, but it takes 5.45mm ammo, same as the the AK-74.  The AK-74 (equipped with a sniper scope, in this case.  Attachments are denoted by the green asterisk) isn't that good close in, but it has decent damage, good range and low AP, which makes it a good all-rounder and even something of a sniping weapon.  Two mags of FMJs and two of HPs isn't loads of ammo, but it'll do for a while.

That SKS is a decent rifle, but it has no burst mode, and its range is shorter than the AK-74's.

The extended ear will come in handy, with that on you can hear any movement from further away.  Good in close terrain or at night, where visibility is limited.

A quick search (breaking and entering) of the buildings also turns up some gas masks, a pair of night vision goggles (can't be worn at the same time as a gas mask, despite Bull's best efforts), two aluminium curtain rods (important later), two grenades and some ceramic plates (for use with body armour, not eating your dinner off).

Having a quick shufty soon reveals the man in charge:

Fred "I useda be a cowboy" Morris.

Despite his feelings about Deidranna:

He'll go back to working for her if she takes over the town again.  Huh.  And they call us mercenaries.  At least we stay bought, Fred.  You've changed.  You sold out to The Man.  Or The Woman, in this case.

During the haggling, when it looks like M-Team are winning the argument that yes, they really do need a few silver ingots each, 'for ballast', Fred makes a personal remark:


In counterpoint, Bull eats several rocks.

Fred gives up.

Cambria is mine.  42% loyalty, five grand and change a day.

[JellyfishGreen]

"a noise like a nun headbutting a side of beef"
I can die happy now.

[FullAuto]

Moinwhoile, back at der palace:


Eliot has no good news for Her Maj:


The usual slap/threats/insults follow.  Music to my ears.

Now, time to review M-Team.


Bull's improved a little, and killed a fair few people, but hasn't really made any great advances in any particular area.  Natural enough I suppose, as a lot of his killing has been hand to hand, so even his Marksmanship hasn't improved that much.


Grizzly's the star killer at the moment.  Although my four mercs all have 18 kills (ever so slightly freaky, like a squad of synchronised murderers in the Olympics), Grizzly's assisted on a further 17.  Okay, he's no Harold Shipman, but it's a good start.


Barry's improved a bit more than the others, mainly because he's applied himself to things other than shooting, stabbing and bludgeoning.  A fundamental part of the squad in and out of battle.


Malice has improved less, but then he was the most experienced of the bunch to begin with.  A solid and dependable merc, with the skill to take an enemy down close up or at range.


Oh, Ira.  God broke the mould when he made you, darling.  Because he definitely didn't want any more.  Your 16% accuracy speaks volumes, drowned out by your amount of kills (one).  Altogether, M-Team has scored 73 kills, and you, my dear, are responsible for one of them.  Now, equality is as equality does, so you should have killed 14.6 enemies by now, to have done your fair share, as you women are avowedly so eager to do.  And yes, I know your medical skill has gone up by seven points.  But then, you have been wounded ten times in six battles.  So you've had lots of practice.

M-Team needs another merc.  Manliness a must.  Send your suggestions to the usual address.

[FullAuto]

The locals become a bit more friendly now that I have freed the whole town.  That's not Brit understatement, by the way.  I've just freed them from tyranny and what do I get?  The local second-hand shop decides that yes, they will do business with me after all.

Smashing.

Oh?  Inbreds, you say?

Guns eh?

Gratitude?  Not bloody likely.

Despite the ingratitude, I purchase (at grossly inflated prices, I might add) a set of knuckledusters, another gas mask, a half-used tool kit (eww), and a flak jacket.  Now everyone has a gas mask, is armoured with a flak jacket and helmet of some sort, Barry's got some more tools to use up in his fumblings, and Bull has added punch.  

Time to train some militia so I don't have to bother defending the town.  The Cambrian Republic Army of the People is duly formed.  Only two mercs per town sector can train up the poor fools, so I split my squad.

Using Bull may not be the wisest choice, I admit, but Ira is actually excellent at teaching so hopefully she will train up an extra recruit for every one Bull kills, eats, or kills and eats.

It appears conquering Cambria was merely one step, as I then have to defend the town twice in two days.

You will know us by the trail of dead:


And the hospital turns out to mean death for the Deidrannic goons:

"How ironic!" laughs Ira.

[Zombie]

So when does the coroner come to collect the piles of dead, rotting and stinking corpses littering the town, FA? More importantly, Bull appears to have suddenly lost his appetite for human flesh.

I'll bet that get's you some brownie points (negative).

- Zombie

[FullAuto]

I let nature's coroners take care of the dead:


Bull offers a free nugget of advice:

Amending it with "Not for me, obviously." when the rest of M-Team stare at him.

My first load of militia are trained up:


Militia are the only other way of defending the towns you capture.  They're cheap at $750 per 10.  They are either green (comically inept), light blue (inept), or dark blue (average).  The last level of idiocy can only be reached through battle experience, you can only train them up to inept.  You can pack each town sector with up to 20 militia, which is enough to counter most attacks.  You do have to train up reinforcements periodically to replace the deadies though.

Cambria is under serious attack.  I need the pressure taking off, so I can heal up, fix my kit, and get enough breathing space to carry out my next op.  This means I need more mercs.  I need a few dedicated arse-kickers, murder machines, kill-crazed berserkers who have rifle sights for eyes and kill counts where their hearts should be.

What I got was Biff the Bifter:

And "Menstrual" Flo:

Obviously this pair of massive twats won't be joining M-Team.  They're pathetic at best, but they both have the teaching skill, which means they're good at training militia up quickly.  And what I need right now is lots and lots of militia.  Plus, they're ridiculously cheap (and rightly so, as they're ridiculously shit).  $300 per day for the both of them.  Not too shabby.

On a similar note, Bull asked for $4,400 for another two weeks work.  He must be happy, all the enemy soldiers he can eat...

In the meantime, M-Team can go on kicking arse.