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The M-Team


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Hired by Enrico Chivaldori to overthrow his evil ex-wife Queen Deidranna and free Arulco, off I go, absurdly optimistic.

 

In this game, I will be playing Expert/Tons of Guns/Iron Man/Sci-Fi, because I've played JA2 a lot over the years. I'm not very good at it, but I have played it a lot.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/startoptions.jpg

 

The only initial recruiting point for mercs is the Association of International Mercenaries, whose range of crazed killers stretches from the budget-priced thugs like Bull, all the way up to supremely skilled thugs like Gus.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/aimercs.jpg

 

I quickly pick out a squad that I can afford. $30,000 to hire mercs to overthrow a country? I like value for money too, but where's your sense of proportion, Enrico?

 

Barry is my explosives 'expert'. He's also a decent shot, good Agility and Strength, and his high Wisdom means his skills will improve quickly. He's also going to be my mechanic, unless I gain a sudden windfall allowing me to hire someone who knows that maintenance sometimes goes beyond simply hitting things. $6,995.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barry.jpg

 

Barry forgets the whole 'heavy breathing' thing and ruins the call.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barryinto.jpg

 

Bull is cheap muscle. He's very strong, slow, and capable of beating the living shit out of anyone who is not currently Superman. Or Batman. $4,500.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bull.jpg

 

The call goes swimmingly:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bullintro.jpg

 

Grizzly is a good all-round soldier, and is also skilled in a bit of the old fisticuffs. $6,000.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/grizzly.jpg

 

Malice is the last member of my not-very-rounded squad. A good soldier, he also likes stabbing people in the face and kicking them in the balls (not always in that order). $10,000.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/lamal.jpg

 

Being Quebecois, he has certain 'eccentricities':

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/malintro.jpg

 

Malice's frilly undercrackers aside, I have a decent squad here. All fairly robust, (in my games, 'Bull' is often short for 'Bullet Sponge'), with two places left for a mechanic and a medic. Barry is a decent bomb doctor and improves quickly. Grizzly will usually develop into a kick-arse soldier. Bull can't really be any better at beating people up than he already is, but he sometimes manages to ignore his slow metabolism and fast pie arm and actually run a bit. Malice is nippy, and packs a decent punch. Because of his Dexterity, he's also good at chucking grenades (Grizzly and Bull excel at 'accidentally' hitting friendlies with them thanks to their low Dex).

 

Bull, Griz and Mal have been hired without equipment, because they're going to live off the land (read: get shot a lot and nick stuff). I want the explosives and other kit Barry has, so he's lucky, being the only one turning up with armour and a gun.

 

Arulco, in all its glory:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/arulco.jpg

 

The M-Team (M for 'Manly') drop into Omerta, the first town of Arulco. Who lies in wait? Who would dare?

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OPERATION PUNCHFACE- The Battle for Omerta.

 

M-Team rappell down from da choppa:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/a-team.jpg

 

On the way in, Malice fiddled with his expensive French undies, Grizzly and Bull had a headbutting competition, and Barry sang Hungarian folk songs in the kind of annoying monotone that drives loving family men to go on killing sprees.

 

The game slips into real time mode, as there are enemies present, but not visible. Barry, who actually has a weapon, goes one way, and the other three whose hands and feet are deadly weapons, circle around. They spot an enemy in no time, and it all goes turn-based:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/1sten.jpg

 

As said goon comes round the corner, Grizzly pounces:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/stolenglk.jpg

 

Disarmed, the goon punches with all the efficacy of a thalidomide child, and is beaten to death by Malice and Bull. Unable to hold back the fury any more, Bull performs indescribable acts on the corpse that provoke Griz to reveal his man crush:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/beatn2deth.jpg

 

Meanwhile, Barry hides in a building and upon opening a door, spots an enemy closing in. He lets fly with a shot from his .38, and misses by a country bloody mile. Start as you mean to go on, Bazzer.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/heshoots.jpg

 

Barry decides cowardice is better than being shot in the guts and shitting into a bag for the rest of his life and retreats, waiting for the moron to enter the building. Said moron duly does, and Barry duly shoots him:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barryhits.jpg

 

Malice uses those running skills the French are famed for the world over, and steals a weapon:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/malsteal.jpg

The enemy did not survive long enough to wonder who was kicking him in the face.

 

Bull waddles across the road as fast as his chubby thighs can power him, hides in a building, and looms over the enemy unlucky enough to try to flank the fattest merc in AIM. Another gun 'acquired':

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bullsteal.jpg

 

"Justice to your face!" Malice squeals as he pans another fool's face in, disdaining to use anything so vulgar as a firearm:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/j2urface.jpg

 

Now that everyone is armed, the four smoothly sweep through the rest of the sector, weapons ready. Well, three of them do, Bull puffs along like a fat steam engine behind them, wondering when it's going to be pie o'clock. Malice spots yet another enemy, but manages to refrain from sprinting forward and punching him until his face comes off.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/dergelrf.jpg

"Out of range, sacre bleu!" He swears, spitting on the ground, his pistol, at the enemy, and eventually all over himself.

 

But wait, is that Grizzly sneaking through the building?

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As Malice pops in and out of cover, distracting the enemy like a Jacques-in-the-box, Grizzly sneaks through the building, emerges, and tears another weapon from another hapless enemy.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/grizsteal.jpg

 

The last enemy, alone and now unarmed, pleas for mercy.

 

Bull eats him alive. Grizzly looks on, an expression almost like lust on his face.

 

"Sacre bleu," mutters Malice as he backs away from the horror, "even we French do not eat zome sings. Not unless it iz made into a nice roulade first, anyway."

 

Barry resumes singing, making occasional onomatopoeiac explosion noises between verses.

 

After finishing his meal, Bull searches the rest of the town, marking each unoccupied building with a huge spray of urine, until he finds someone.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/faimthreat.jpg

 

Somehow, he manages not to kill her, shitting himself with the effort, and gives her the letter from Enrico Chivaldori. Unperturbed by the gross man-thing's incontinence, Fatima decides to guide the mercs:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/fatimguid.jpg

Which is lucky, because Bull wanted seconds.

 

She takes the three men and one blubber beast to the next sector of Omerta, which is unoccupied by enemies. The sole occupant of the rest of the town is Dimitri, loitering suspiciously outside an empty building, definitely not on guard. He, rather unwisely, makes threats as well as agreeing to help. Like Bull, he likes to have his cake and eat it.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/dimthreat.jpg

Though Bull would rather just eat the baker than bother with cakes.

 

"Mon ami," Malice warns him, pointing to Bull, "zat...sing...will eet your face. Ferme la bouche!"

 

"Bush?" Dimitri looks unimpressed, and swaggers on.

 

Grizzly punches himself in the face to stave off boredom as Barry brings up the rear, reciting a litany of Soviet anti-personnel mines.

 

A cunningly-hidden set of stairs leads down under the building, to a cellar full of people. Some of them idiots:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/carlossus.jpg

You question the former king's reasons in hiring mercs to overthrow his ex-wife, who is now ruling his country? Tell me, retard, who could possibly have a better reason to overthrow Deidranna?

 

Thankfully, the other members of the rebel movement are not as stupid, though much sleazier:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/miguelbel.jpg

Floppy fringe, r'n'beard, ear ring...rebel indeed.

 

Miguel demands we travel to Drassen and contact a Father John Walker, who will provide aid to the mauled rebels. To assist us, the most useless member of the rebels, Ira "Dead Meat" Smythe:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/irarec.jpg

Five years? Quite frankly I'm surprised it took you that long to drop the rebellion in deep shit with your incompetence and Marksmanship of 55, you idle cow.

 

Inventory check time:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/inventory.jpg

 

Two Glock 17s, a Colt .45, two .38s, a Desert Eagle, and a Thompson submachine gun. Not too shabby! The Thompson, although it takes up a lot of Action Points, has a four-round burst mode, which makes it quite deadly at close range. Four 30-round mags of .45 ACP to go with it as well, which is plenty.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/thompson.jpg

Malice gets it, he's the best shot (Marksmanship 83). Griz gets the DE, Barry gets the Glocks, Ira gets the piss-weak .38s, and Bull gets the Colt .45 with some extra ammo from the Thompson mags.

 

Have gun, will shoot people in the face a lot.

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Our first sight of the Wicked Tyrant of the South, Deidranna:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/deid1.jpg

 

And her hapless lackey-cum-slapping post, Eliot.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/eliot2.jpg

 

So, to Drassen!

 

Actually, no. Miguel can stick his bloody fetch quest up his arse.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/g2cambria.jpg

 

To Cambria!

 

On the way there, Ira cries out on point because of land mines, Bull follows picking his teeth with a splinter from a human femur, Grizzly does his best to keep his eyes off Bull's buttocks, Barry imagines every object he sees exploding, and Malice brings up the rear, emitting a French sigh every fifteen minutes. Until Ira sobs "Contact front!" and collapses in despair.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/whocoulditb.jpg

 

The mercs investigate, sending Ira on ahead by getting Bull to smile at her, revealing shreds of human skin and pubic hair trapped between his teeth. It turns out, it's not an enemy!

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/hamous.jpg

 

Ira licks her lips at the dusky native, but sadly there's no space on the team for him. "We're full up, sorry." Explains Grizzly, apologetic. "Me, Barry, Ira, Malice and Bull. That's six."

 

Malice makes a cruel (but quiet) remark about Bull's girth taking up two spaces as they troop off, leaving Hamous behind, brow furrowed, counting slowly on his fingers.

 

They trek on, briefly stopping to let Bull defecate. "Sacre bleu, they will think we have le elefant with us." Malice mutters, circling round the huge pile of droppings.

 

OPERATION CRUSHBALLS - The Battle for Cambria

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/opcrushballs.jpg

 

This sector is taken up by only two buildings, the hospital and the small storage warehouse.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/minusandx.jpg

"It looks like a big multiplication mark picking on a little minus sign." laughed Bull. Grizzly faked a chuckle while the others looked away.

 

Lightly armed and armoured, I go in the back way, and surprise an enemy taking a relaxing wee.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/1stenemy.jpg

"Le pissor!" screams Malice as he runs into cover, giving away everyone's position.

 

A quick few turns of fire and movement sees my team at the rear entrance. Ira goes in first at the insistence of Grizzly's boot, and Barry follows. "I'll be Cagney, you can be Lacey!" screams Ira, bullshit with fear already.

 

Barry, pausing to work out what she means, as Cagney and Lacey only made it to Hungary in an edited version that showed how inept Western police forces were, gets shot.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/idbcaglace.jpg

Along with Bull, who barely notices through all that cellulite.

 

Another enemy makes the mistake of jumping out on Bull:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bullsurprised.jpg

And is horribly murdered (one bullet, then two fists) for his trouble.

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Barry, muttering a comforting list of plastic explosives while his wound pisses blood all over the floor, explores the hospital. And finds a massage parlour. Apparently.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/tomatomasseur.jpg

"Massage?" Barry dips his finger into a pool of red fluid nearby. "With tomato sauce? Pah! Decadent Western filth!"

 

He turns and leaves in disgust. Joining up with Ira and Grizzly in the corridor, they press on. Ira, encouraged by the muzzle of Grizzly's Desert Eagle, peeks through the next doorway. The enemy there grins, and dies in a hail of bullets. Barry, faint from blood loss and drunk on success, staggers into the doorway, keen to advance.

 

And is shot again. He passes out, blood spurting from two holes. The bullet holes, that is.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barrycanstillblacey.jpg

Grizzly slams the door closed on the enemies beyond while Ira breaks out her medical kit, sobbing "You can be Cagney! You can be Cagney!" as she administers a dressing and readies an IV.

 

Bull and Malice take up the rear, guarding the position until Barry is healed. Barry, badly wounded, will take a while to recover, and will be vulnerable to further damage, so he guards the back door while Bull and Malice get on with clearing the rest of the hospital.

 

No sooner has this happened, than an enemy wrenches open the door, waving a rifle and asking if any of them would like a lead salad.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/nosoonr.jpg

 

Everyone misses. Everyone. Pathetic. Even Barry, who moved to stand right next to him. All you had to do was stick the muzzle in his ear, you fool! Next turn, Grizzly's gun jams. The enemy starts to laugh. Grizzly starts to laugh. The enemy stops laughing. Grizzly runs over and headbutts him.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/gunjammdgood.jpg

Unconscious, the enemy barely feels three of Barry's 9mm rounds pass through his flesh, and regains consciousness to shoot Grizzly. The last thing he sees is a size twelve combat boot descending towards his face.

 

Bull eagerly waves a first aid kid he 'acquired' and begins tending to Grizzly's bullet wound.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/looksprettygay.jpg

"This, uh. This looks pretty gay." Grizzly murmurs, looking down at Bull knelt before him.

 

Bull ignores him, tongue peeping out between his teeth as he concentrates on sticking a plaster over the bullet wound. Grizzly closes his eyes and tries not to get aroused.

 

Bull honestly doesn't know which to take.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/dsntknowat2take.jpg

In the end he took both, giving the regeneration booster to Barry and keeping the porn. Priorities.

 

The rest of the hospital is a cinch, one enemy in each wing and one idiot who insists in running from the front door all the way along the main hall towards Malice's Thompson. Malice, thanks to his sheer cowardice, misses consistently until getting shot focuses his mind, and he splatters the pristine walls with red, red blood.

 

All done.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/clearcamb1hosp.jpg

 

What have I gained? Possession of a sector, and:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/inventorycamb.jpg

A Mini-14 rifle, Beretta 9mm pistol, a machete, a knife, a throwing knife, some first-aid kits, and three hand grenades. The rifle and grenades will come in very handy. Barry has also snaffled some RDX, which is a potent but unstable explosive.

 

From here, I'm going to work my way clockwise around Cambria, clearing the mine last. Grizzly gets the Mini-14 as his Marksmanship is good, with range 25 (compared to 12 for most pistols) it offers a decent advantage. Only problem is, I have no ammo for it. The 27 rounds loaded are all I have, so he'll have to pick his shots.

 

Barry can have the Beretta, there isn't enough 9mm ammo to spread around.

 

Malice gets the grenades, he's the only one with Dexterity high enough to trust. Because he has the knifing skill, he also gets the machete. Chop chop.

 

Bull gets a first-aid kit because he won't let go of it and not even Grizzly will try and make him.

 

Ira gets nothing because she's bloody useless.

 

Because I don't have a mechanic, and most of my weapons have been nicked from enemies, they're in pretty poor state, and the worse they are the more often they will jam. I need to remedy this fairly soon, even if it's just finding a tool kit and letting Barry do his 'best'.

 

The squad assignments in the aftermath tells its own story:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/aftrmath.jpg

 

As night descends, the group get some lip from the staff:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/shortlyaftrvwb.jpg

Grizzly punches the cheeky bastard, while Bull settles down to some roast thigh, Malice reminisces about losing his virginity, Barry makes some goulash using medical supplies, and Ira locks herself in a room and hides under the bed.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Exploring the hospital as they recuperate, M-Team harass the staff and patients at will.

 

Bull is kept sedated with horse tranquillisers, but still wanders around accosting folk.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bruwills.jpg

Bruce "Call me Steve" Willis hiding out in a Third World hospital. The wig doesn't even fool Bull.

 

Ira attempts to conceal her useless nature by talking rubbish:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/idunno.jpg

Can't they? Really? You'd know, I suppose, as everyone else has a marketable skill.

 

Bull finds a man in a wheelchair and pushes him into walls for a while, until he cracks and tells Bull of his first sexual experience:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/2muchinfo.jpg

In far too much detail:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/sexwithgf.jpg

 

Enrico decides to take the piss by email:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/asthevmsaid2godrutakinthepiss.jpg

Invaluable? Is that like "priceless", only shit?

 

And AIM has a competitor:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/MERC.jpg

 

So off I go to check it out!

 

To discover a web page built by a moron:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/mercpagebiff.jpg

Biff...Apscott? THE Biff Apscott?

 

To shut Speck up, I open an account, and peruse the available idiots.

 

Biff "Special Needs" Apscott:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/biffaps.jpg

 

Frankie "Don't make me cut ya" Gordon:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/frankhaygord.jpg

 

Doug "I f'get stuff" Milton:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/douggasmil.jpg

 

Bill "Please make me cut ya" Lamont:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/billrazlam.jpg

 

Another useless woman:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/florgab.jpg

 

And Tim "Speech Impediment" Hillman:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/timgumhil.jpg

 

What a shower.

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OPERATION CRUSHBALLS - Phase 2

 

Fully healed (at least physically), the infamous five head east, into the next section of Cambria.

 

Knowing there's got to be plenty of enemies around, they make a considered tactical decision to run like billy-o for the wall, which is good cover.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/irabehind.jpg

Coincidentally leaving Ira behind. She's only got little legs.

 

"It's because I'm a woman, isn't it!" Ira squeals as the bullets pepper the wall.

 

"No!" Grizzly shouts back, ducking down. "It's because you're shit!"

 

Motivated by anger and delusion that she can be of use, Ira sprints forward and joins the other mercs in what will be known as the Battle of the Wall Corner in Arulcan legend.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/battlofwallcornr.jpg

 

Bull takes a rifle round to the head.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/nowisdomtolose.jpg

Understandably, it does very little damage.

 

Barry follows suit, eager to demonstrate the occasionally popular Hungarian national sport of headbutting bullets out of the air:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barrygetsbrained.jpg

 

After a quick exchange of fire, in which Ira never hits and Grizzly never misses (even if one was a flukey miss that hit the enemy behind the target), it is soon proved that stone stops bullets better than air, and in the lull, Malice makes a run for the building:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/malicesurp.jpg

The enemy is shot for his trouble, not knowing that going up against a semi-automatic 5.56mm rifle and .45 calibre Tommy gun while armed only with a pistol is a tad optimistic if you're not Chow Yun Fat.

 

Ira fixes Bull and Barry as bullets continually splash around them, chipping the top of the wall. Bull's marksmanship does its stuff as he shoots the wall right in front of him several turns in a row.

 

As a new, and less stupid batch of enemies turn up, the four wall-bound mercs engage them with rapid fire.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/malicecrawl.jpg

Malice drops flat and wriggles for the wall, hissing "Serpent serpent serpent." under his breath.

 

Because Malice gave away his position pretending to be a snake, and because Ira is stupid, when they popped up they both got shot. In the head.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/popup.jpg

Morons.

 

Abject cowardice is the friend that never abandons you, and Ira and Barry make for the hospital, shortly followed by the rest.

 

Take Two.

 

Same plan, goes better this time. No-one gets hurt really badly, but Grizzly, Bull and Malice all get marked by an enemy wielding a shotgun. Grizzly hits him in reply as he gets pebbledashed with buckshot, but only in the shoulder. "Thank God, it's just a flesh wound!" The wounded enemy pants, only for Barry to rise on the other side of the wall and shoot him in the face.

 

Barry nabs a Colt Commando from a dead body, and M-Team sweep the rest of the sector.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/ccommand.jpg

 

The last enemy is cowering behind a chair in one of the rooms.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/lastencowering.jpg

"Wait! I'm a dedicated pacifist!" He screams. "Give peace a chance!"

 

"I will give pieces of you a chance. A chance to blow apart!" Barry snarls, and splatters goon guts all over the floor with a burst from his new weapon.

 

Another sector, another load of crap:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/nothrsect.jpg

Shotgun cartridges, but no shotgun. Already got a Desert Eagle. Those .45 mags are nice though. There's other stuff lying around, a few bits and bobs and some chests, but they're booby trapped. Time for Barry to go to work.

 

Ira tops it off by ranting about socio-economics:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/iratalksshit.jpg

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Drained of medical supplies thanks to the latest round of healing, desperate measures are needed. That means robbing the hospital's stores. Well, not necessarily, but that's what I'm going to do. The door humiliated all my earlier attempts, even Bull couldn't crowbar it open, and Barry's Mechanical skill motivated him to use the lock picks on the hinges.

 

So time to deploy the boom:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barrytnt.jpg

"In Hungary we make explosives with piss!" He celebrates.

 

Inside, plenty of medical gear, mainly first aid kits and medical kits, with a few regeneration boosts and a pair of gas masks.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/loot.jpg

 

The extra stuff is doled out, with Barry immediately putting on a gas mask and insisting everyone calls him Dark Vader as he breathes heavily behind them. One snarl from Bull and Barry gets on with his work, defusing the booby-trapped items in the school sector.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/additioncrap.jpg

A Light Anti-tank Weapon, two tear gas grenades, one smoke grenade, one frag grenade, two 40mm grenades (but no grenade launcher), and another jar of RDX. Having defused the traps without blowing his fingers off, Barry does a lap of the school waving his arms, only to step on a land mine.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/mine.jpg

Prat.

 

More healing ensues, and I need a mechanic badly. The LAW and those grenades will need fixing before I can use them, and my guns' wear and tear only increases with every battle. Soon, jamming is going to become a problem. I might have to hire Gasket, though I don't have a lot of money, with MERC you don't have to pay up front, and you can delay payment for a few days. Plus Gasket's cheap.

 

While laid up 'resting' when Bull isn't poking fingers into his wounds, Barry admires his new weapon and strokes it with worrying affection:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/ccdetail.jpg

Good little weapon actually, close in it's a beast, so it'll be perfect for the urban combat M-Team will face in the next few battles. I'd give it to someone else but Barry won't let go of it.

 

And Cambria really likes me now!

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/twocam-1.jpg

20%! Woo hoo.

 

Phase 3

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/opcbph3.jpg

 

Dodging through the trees in the north-east corner of the sector, heading quickly for the buildings, M-Team spot an enemy and take up good (for them) firing positions.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/necorner.jpg

Needless to say, Bull gets shot twice in quick succession. He actually runs a little faster, not because it hurt but because the bullets blew some of the fat off him. Ira, heading over to patch him up, takes a round as well and cowers behind a tree for the rest of the firefight, occasionally poking her .38 out of cover and firing blind.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/ensushoot.jpg

It ends badly for the bad guys. In the ensuing shootout, the Colt Commando, Mini-14 and Tommy gun tell over the enemies' pistols. M-Team thread their way through the town, looking for the few remaining scum.

 

"Oh come on!" Grizzly roars as he runs to a new spot of cover. "I barely shot you! Twice!"

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barelyshotu.jpg

 

Two enemies give Barry a nice surprise.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/nicesurpbaz.jpg

Only for him to return the favour with a four-round burst that kills the closest one. Malice takes care of the other, at close range. "Mercy!" Screams the poor fool.

 

"Non, merci!" Malice cackles, and turns him into chunky salsa.

 

It's over quicker than they can bring themselves to believe. Ira decides to cover up her glee with another lecture from Arulco: Shit or Bust, her guide to the country in four hundred and fifty three steps of intermediate difficulty, complete with full colour illustrations (crayon).

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/iralecture245654.jpg

 

Bull, looking for something to eat aside from human flesh, explores the local greasy spoon. This one has one more disreputable character than most:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/carmdancfringer.jpg

How did you get through Customs with that fringe?

 

Carmen Dancio (if that is his real name) makes an offer M-Team can't refuse, because they're nearly broke.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/cdoffr.jpg

Just one minor detail:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/minrdetail.jpg

Malice groans when told of the opportunity. "Sacre bleu! Merde! 'Ow are we zupposed to stop 'im eating ze 'eads and," he waves at Bull, who is gnawing at a corpse and relieving himself simultaneously, "once we get 'im cutting off 'eads, 'ow do we get 'im to stop?"

 

"You're the one with the machete." Grizzly shrugs.

 

Barry looks on, smiling blankly. Years of explosions having degraded his hearing to an ocean of tinnitus interspersed with islands of meaningful sound, he can barely hear them.

 

"Moi!" Malice screams. "Moi! MOI?" He begins to spit furiously, covering everyone in saliva.

 

Bull licks some off his arm and makes appreciative noises before going back to the corpse.

 

"I once shot a man for asking to borrow moi comb." Malice snarls. "Zum zings you just do not ask a Frenchman to do!"

 

"You're Canadian. Like me." Grizzly hoiks a thumb at himself, smiling. "Well, not like me. But you are Canadian."

 

"Quebecois, you Anglo peeg!" Malice screams, and stamps off.

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OPERATION FINDNAUGHTYPEOPLE

 

#1 Richard Ruttwen, AKA Slay. Canadian.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/richrutslay.jpg

Wanted for several political assassinations and owning an r'n'beard without a license.

 

#2 Name unknown, AKA Mother of Mayhem, MOM. Scottish.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/mofm.jpg

Wanted for murder, attempted murder, and having a face like a smacked arse.

 

#3 Kris Carver AKA The Impostor. American.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/kriscarthimp.jpg

Wanted for murder, also linked to a suicide where the victim stabbed himself in the back thirty times.

 

#4 Tiffany Eddie. American.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/tiffed.jpg

Wanted for murder, and repeated terrible Marlon Brando impressions.

 

#5 Theodore Rexall, AKA T-Rex. American.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/t-rexa.jpg

Wanted for murder, terrorism, and inbreeding.

 

6# Sammy Elgin, AKA The Druggist. British.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/samelg.jpg

Wanted for murder, possession of a mullet.

 

Barry cracks open the town jail, letting one drunk free, and finding four mags of 5.56mm ammo. Nice one, 120 rounds between two weapons. Plenty of lead.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/camjail.jpg

Not to mention the spectra helmet, which he sprays with compound 18 to make it even better.

 

Local businesses refuse to deal with M-Team. And not just because of Bull's chronic BO.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/whywouldntuwant2-1.jpg

Bull doesn't understand. What's wrong with selling porn?

 

Meanwhile, I may have found a temporary solution to my mechanic problem.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/perky.jpg

Porko fixes stuff, for a price.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/porkorepairs.jpg

Hmm, I really need a mechanic to join my team, though. Once I've fixed up my kit, I'll have hardly any money left. Fancy it, Porky?

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/recruitperky.jpg

Bah.

 

What items did we get this time:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/cam3items.jpg

Not a lot, that Type 85 is a bit rubbish, but it's better than a pistol. Ira looks sad, as she's the only one without a decent weapon now. Tough shit, Ira.

 

Barry's explodey sense tingles.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barrysspideysense.jpg

Just a siren trap (not the kind that lures sailors). Barry disarms it no problem, but comprehensively fails to pick the lock, and Bull's crowbar and hefty kicks are no more successful.

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OPERATION CRUSHBALLS - Phase four.

 

The fourth sector of Cambria, another residential sector. Guns are loaded, equipment is fixed. Loins are girded.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/cam4start.jpg

 

Early on, Barry takes a round to the head. It does exactly three points of damage.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barry3pts.jpg

"Not helmet!" He crows. "All me!"

 

Ira actually managed to hit someone.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/irahit.jpg

Mind you, I then told the silly cow to go prone and she ignored me, and got a shotgun blast for her trouble. Serves her right. She hasn't managed to kill a single enemy yet, when the men are into double figures. The female of the species is more deadly than the male, eh?

 

A brief but intense streetfight saw Malice take a pair of rounds to the chest. "Mon Deu, even my wounds are coordinated." He wheezed, sinking down behind a rock. "Tres chic."

 

Someone caught Grizzly with a lucky pistol shot from well out of range, but regretted it when a steady rain of return fire from Grizzly's Mini-14 whittled him down to dead.

 

Barry was easily the most valuable merc of the battle, dropping two enemies in one turn. One keeled over from a well-judged burst, three out of four bullets smacking home with a noise like a nun headbutting a side of beef.

 

The second was already wounded but closing in on Malice, as he fixed his wounds and made sure the blood didn't clash with his shirt. Barry let go an entirely unaimed shot and hit the baddie in the legs, bringing him down, and taking him out.

 

He went on to rampage up the street, putting a full 30-round mag of 5.56mm hollow-point ammo to good use before flanking the last enemy.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/barryflanks.jpg

Caught in the crossfire between Grizzly's accurate aimed fire and Barry's haphazard bursts, the enemy soon died the death of a thousand lead slugs.

 

Four down:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/cam4taken.jpg

One to go!

 

In the debriefing period, Bull washed himself in human blood and used the enemy scalps as a towel, Grizzly stared fixedly away from Bull's naked body, Barry hummed the Hungarian national anthem and only sang the really violent bits, Malice tried on several new shirts and injected a 'regeneration booster' to bring his health back up, and Ira?

 

Ira unleashed the fury between picking pieces of buckshot out of her nipples:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/iraragequit.jpg

I'm sure if we capture the mine in the next sector she'll simply spontaneously combust from pure anger.

 

And what did we get this time, kids?

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/caminventory4.jpg

Sod all really, but closer investigation (burglary) of the houses in the sector turned up some .38 ammo and a tool kit. Barry may be rubbish at fixing things, but he's cheaper than Porky.

 

Also recovered another Type 85 and another Thompson. Ira can have the Thompson, I suppose, as there's enough .45 ammo to go round, but the Type 85 I've no use for, and hardly any 7.62mm Warsaw Pact ammo for it anyway. That Glock 18 will be useful though. The best pistol in the game, eats 9mm ammo but can be fired in fully-automatic mode, and a nice 5-round burst tends to put most people right off.

 

Things were peaceful that night. The mercs had to share a house, as no sane person would go to sleep in the same building as Bull, but it was no hardship. Barry volunteered to go on stag, as he had a few hours fiddling with a landmine planned anyway. It was freezing in the house thanks to the many bullet holes letting in a draught, so the remaining four mercs shared a room for warmth, and dozed to the sound of plastic explosive being coaxed from a mine with savage chisel taps and Hungarian curses.

 

Malice sang Le Marseillaise under his breath, as Bull began to snore like a chainsaw.

 

Grizzly licked dry lips, and then nudged his friend. "Bull."

 

"Mmm?" The man-mountain's face creased as he began to wake.

 

"Do you...do you want to...make love?" Grizzly barely breathed the words.

 

Bull's eyes snapped open. "Sure. I need another one."

 

Grizzly's eyes went wide and he began to tremble. Another one? Another one? He was dizzy with jealousy and excitement in that instant. Bull rose and began to paw at his clothes. "Here it is."

 

Grizzly's face froze in shock. A glove landed in his lap. "So." Bull hocked up some phlegm and spat, and the green blob hit the wall and stuck there. "How do you make a glove then? Because I do need another one."

 

"Er, no. No, I said, make-"

 

Gunfire rang out in town, and M-Team scrambled into action, with Grizzly bringing up the rear, tears of frustration running down his face.

 

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/awcrapola.jpg

 

Back in the school sector, back to using the wall as cover:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bmhst.jpg

 

It works well, although Barry gets overconfident and wanders out beyond the wall and gets shot, twice.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/repelboarder.jpg

The enemies are quickly taken care of, with bushes coming a distant second to stone in the bullet-stopping stakes.

 

A few enemies hide out on the other side of the school, but it does them no good, the wall is there for my mercs to hide behind.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/remaindersecdef.jpg

 

And Ira picks up her first kill:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/irakills.jpg

 

After the battle, everyone goes to bed feeling happy and safe, except for Grizzly, who strings the corpses up from trees and literally beats the shit out of them.

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OPERATION CRUSHBALLS - Phase 5

 

This is it chaps (and useless woman). The big one. We capture the mine, we capture Cambria, and a supply of money. I know your contracts are getting short, and you're looking for extensions or exits. Don't worry. This is going to be our Horn of Plenty. Plenty o' money!

 

The sector only contains two buildings, the mine, and a lot of foliage.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/camminestart.jpg

 

I kick off with everyone behind the main building, and as soon as the battle starts everyone legs it forward. Except for Bull, who wobbles manfully.

 

Grizzly and Barry climb up onto the roof of the mining commission building. As enemies round the south-eastern corner of the building, Bull and Malice engage them alternately at point-blank range with short, controlled burshts.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/roofcornr.jpg

Anyone who stands up rises into the sights of the giggling pair on the roof, who pop a few skulls. The enemy are forced to approach crouching or crawling.

 

Return fire pegs Barry, quite badly, and he slithers to the edge, leaving a snail trail of his own blood behind him, and climbs down. Ira shoots him up with a regen booster (heroin) while he bandages the gaping bullet hole, grinning hugely.

 

Bull circles around while the last enemy trades shots with Grizzly, comes round behind him, and tears the rifle from his hands.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bullnicksks.jpg

"Boo!" Roars the semi-human, and as the enemy backs away, Mal the Knife leaps into action.

 

"Get your 'ands up or I'll cut you!" Malice screams, waving his machete.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/maltheknife.jpg

And then stabs him anyway.

 

M-Team gloat over the haul:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/camineitems.jpg

Another Colt Commando, very handy.

 

MP53 is okay, but the Commando is better. Unloaded and set aside, the 5.56mm ammo will go to a good cause.

 

AKSU-74 SMG is also decent, but it takes 5.45mm ammo, same as the the AK-74. The AK-74 (equipped with a sniper scope, in this case. Attachments are denoted by the green asterisk) isn't that good close in, but it has decent damage, good range and low AP, which makes it a good all-rounder and even something of a sniping weapon. Two mags of FMJs and two of HPs isn't loads of ammo, but it'll do for a while.

 

That SKS is a decent rifle, but it has no burst mode, and its range is shorter than the AK-74's.

 

The extended ear will come in handy, with that on you can hear any movement from further away. Good in close terrain or at night, where visibility is limited.

 

A quick search (breaking and entering) of the buildings also turns up some gas masks, a pair of night vision goggles (can't be worn at the same time as a gas mask, despite Bull's best efforts), two aluminium curtain rods (important later), two grenades and some ceramic plates (for use with body armour, not eating your dinner off).

 

Having a quick shufty soon reveals the man in charge:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/fredmor.jpg

Fred "I useda be a cowboy" Morris.

 

Despite his feelings about Deidranna:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/fred2.jpg

He'll go back to working for her if she takes over the town again. Huh. And they call us mercenaries. At least we stay bought, Fred. You've changed. You sold out to The Man. Or The Woman, in this case.

 

During the haggling, when it looks like M-Team are winning the argument that yes, they really do need a few silver ingots each, 'for ballast', Fred makes a personal remark:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/fredpersonal.jpg

 

In counterpoint, Bull eats several rocks.

 

Fred gives up.

 

Cambria is mine. 42% loyalty, five grand and change a day.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/cambriawon.jpg

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Moinwhoile, back at der palace:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/deid3cam.jpg

 

Eliot has no good news for Her Maj:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/eliotcam3.jpg

 

The usual slap/threats/insults follow. Music to my ears.

 

Now, time to review M-Team.

 

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bulldev1.jpg

Bull's improved a little, and killed a fair few people, but hasn't really made any great advances in any particular area. Natural enough I suppose, as a lot of his killing has been hand to hand, so even his Marksmanship hasn't improved that much.

 

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/grizdev1.jpg

Grizzly's the star killer at the moment. Although my four mercs all have 18 kills (ever so slightly freaky, like a squad of synchronised murderers in the Olympics), Grizzly's assisted on a further 17. Okay, he's no Harold Shipman, but it's a good start.

 

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bazdev1.jpg

Barry's improved a bit more than the others, mainly because he's applied himself to things other than shooting, stabbing and bludgeoning. A fundamental part of the squad in and out of battle.

 

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/mldev1.jpg

Malice has improved less, but then he was the most experienced of the bunch to begin with. A solid and dependable merc, with the skill to take an enemy down close up or at range.

 

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/iradev1.jpg

Oh, Ira. God broke the mould when he made you, darling. Because he definitely didn't want any more. Your 16% accuracy speaks volumes, drowned out by your amount of kills (one). Altogether, M-Team has scored 73 kills, and you, my dear, are responsible for one of them. Now, equality is as equality does, so you should have killed 14.6 enemies by now, to have done your fair share, as you women are avowedly so eager to do. And yes, I know your medical skill has gone up by seven points. But then, you have been wounded ten times in six battles. So you've had lots of practice.

 

M-Team needs another merc. Manliness a must. Send your suggestions to the usual address.

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The locals become a bit more friendly now that I have freed the whole town. That's not Brit understatement, by the way. I've just freed them from tyranny and what do I get? The local second-hand shop decides that yes, they will do business with me after all.

 

Smashing.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/inbredtrubl.jpg

Oh? Inbreds, you say?

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/gunsjoad.jpg

Guns eh?

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/popcamearn.jpg

Gratitude? Not bloody likely.

 

Despite the ingratitude, I purchase (at grossly inflated prices, I might add) a set of knuckledusters, another gas mask, a half-used tool kit (eww), and a flak jacket. Now everyone has a gas mask, is armoured with a flak jacket and helmet of some sort, Barry's got some more tools to use up in his fumblings, and Bull has added punch.

 

Time to train some militia so I don't have to bother defending the town. The Cambrian Republic Army of the People is duly formed. Only two mercs per town sector can train up the poor fools, so I split my squad.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/camilita.jpg

Using Bull may not be the wisest choice, I admit, but Ira is actually excellent at teaching so hopefully she will train up an extra recruit for every one Bull kills, eats, or kills and eats.

 

It appears conquering Cambria was merely one step, as I then have to defend the town twice in two days.

 

You will know us by the trail of dead:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/camdefwin2.jpg

 

And the hospital turns out to mean death for the Deidrannic goons:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/hospitaldef34.jpg

"How ironic!" laughs Ira.

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So when does the coroner come to collect the piles of dead, rotting and stinking corpses littering the town, FA? More importantly, Bull appears to have suddenly lost his appetite for human flesh. ;)

 

I'll bet that get's you some brownie points (negative). :)

 

- Zombie

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I let nature's coroners take care of the dead:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/crows.jpg

 

Bull offers a free nugget of advice:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/notforme.jpg

Amending it with "Not for me, obviously." when the rest of M-Team stare at him.

 

My first load of militia are trained up:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/1estevrmilitia.jpg

 

Militia are the only other way of defending the towns you capture. They're cheap at $750 per 10. They are either green (comically inept), light blue (inept), or dark blue (average). The last level of idiocy can only be reached through battle experience, you can only train them up to inept. You can pack each town sector with up to 20 militia, which is enough to counter most attacks. You do have to train up reinforcements periodically to replace the deadies though.

 

Cambria is under serious attack. I need the pressure taking off, so I can heal up, fix my kit, and get enough breathing space to carry out my next op. This means I need more mercs. I need a few dedicated arse-kickers, murder machines, kill-crazed berserkers who have rifle sights for eyes and kill counts where their hearts should be.

 

What I got was Biff the Bifter:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/biffie.jpg

And "Menstrual" Flo:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/menflo.jpg

Obviously this pair of massive twats won't be joining M-Team. They're pathetic at best, but they both have the teaching skill, which means they're good at training militia up quickly. And what I need right now is lots and lots of militia. Plus, they're ridiculously cheap (and rightly so, as they're ridiculously shit). $300 per day for the both of them. Not too shabby.

 

On a similar note, Bull asked for $4,400 for another two weeks work. He must be happy, all the enemy soldiers he can eat...

 

In the meantime, M-Team can go on kicking arse.

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The recent defensive actions landed me some choice weapons.

 

The MAC-10:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/mac10.jpg

One of the best close-range weapons in the game, low AP cost, five-round burst, three flavours of ammo (hollow point, normal, or armour piercing), decent damage. You can chew through enemies time after time with this little darling. When you absolutely, positively, must shoot someone so many times they die of lead poisoning. .45 ammo isn't that common, sadly, but can be obtained regularly with a bit of effort.

 

The Dragunov:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/dragunov.jpg

Damn good sniper rifle. Great range, good damage, reasonable AP cost. Wielded by a skilled shooter, you can have five dead enemies for every ten-round mag. Eats very common 7.62mm WP ammo.

 

The FN FAL:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/FNFAL.jpg

Should really be called the FN MAN, because it's so manly. Good range, good damage, three-round burst, perhaps a tad heavy but not for a man worth his weight in testosterone. Sadly, I can't use this yet as the only ammo I have for it is loaded, 7.62mm NATO, which isn't popular.

 

The M79:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/M79.jpg

A grenade launcher, so very manly. I only have two 40mm grenades for it, and even if I get loads more ammo it's not really worth carrying as a primary weapon due to the fact that you just can't carry that many rounds for it. Difficult to haul about in addition to another weapon, but worth it. With this little baby you can launch eggs of explodey much further than you can lob hand grenades.

 

The G41:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/G41.jpg

Decent range, four-round burst, decent damage, decent AP cost. Uses the extremely common 5.56mm NATO round, mag capacity of 30. Just as good as the Colt Commando in close, but has a longer reach if you need to poke a hole in someone and they're inconveniently distant.

 

Another defence rolls around. Holed up in the hospital, M-Team await Deidranna's bullet sponges. Grizzly refuses to be anywhere near Bull, and watches the front door with Malice. Ira, Barry, and Bull man the rear entrance. "Hur hur." Chuckles Bull. "Rear entrance."

 

Barry glances down the corridor, then snaps off several hand signals. Ira and Bull are united, for once, albeit in confusion.

 

"Seven enemy!"

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bkdoorhosp.jpg

Ira immediately begins to spin in circles, sobbing. "What do we do! What do we do!"

 

"Shoot!" Bull snarls, cocking his MAC-10 and firing a demonstrative burst into the ceiling.

 

"But there are seven of them!" Ira backs away slowly from under the plaster shower.

 

Bull grabs her, one hand engulfing her entire head, picks her up and sets her down near the door. "Shoot lots."

 

Using the Thermopylae Principle, the trio fill the narrow corridor with lots and lots of bullets, and the result is a sort of leaden mush:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/massacr.jpg

 

At the front of the hospital, Malice cleans his nose with an antique ivory nose picker, while Grizzly eats an onion raw to give an alibi to his tears.

 

Shortly after Bull has cleaned up the mess and finished licking his fingers clean, my reinforcements turn up:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/gr8.jpg

"I feel safer already." Grizzly mutters.

 

Another email from Enrico "Four men versus a country is good odds" Chivaldori:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/enricochiv2.jpg

No wonder he was overthrown, the tit.

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During a particularly spirited defence, a civilian caught a round (from an enemy, I might add) and keeled over. Bull immediately went to help, applying his first aid kit with more enthusiasm than skill.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bulllifesavr.jpg

He may have had a nibble around the edges of the wound, but it was purely in the patient's best interest.

 

Barry gets the drop on an enemy.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/donotmovewrench.jpg

"Do not move. I have wrench aimed at your head."

 

My first militia action goes well:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/1stmilaction.jpg

Five of the greens gained enough experience to upgrade to light blues. Yay idiots.

 

Here we see another...I was going to say flaw, but in order for it to be a flaw, Biff would also need to have strengths. But he doesn't have any. He's just shit.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/weakbiff.jpg

Weapon, four spare mags, flak jacket, steel helmet, gas mask, two first aid kits...75% of his total weight carrying capacity. He's carrying the bare minimum of kit. Flo is stronger than him. Biff is just one big flaw, a chasm, a canyon in the solid rock of the rest of my team, a void, a, a, a, a gaping orifice. HE'S AN ARSEHOLE.

 

Had a bit of business for the local second-hand shop.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/robbdbyhicks.jpg

Oh dear. I may have to take care of those troublesome rednecks...

 

Another encouraging email from Enrico, safe behind his PC, thousands of miles away:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/enricoemail3.jpg

Go back to surfing for porn, ex-king.

 

Well, now that Cambria is packed with stout defenders (and militia), M-Team ditch Ira and go on a little holiday:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/moneytrip.jpg

"Do you know the way to San Mona-a!" Sings Bull as they trudge off. No-one asks him why he has an Hawaiian shirt on.

 

Their first glimpse of the town does not fill them with hope. Except for Bull.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/sanmona1.jpg

A pub, a motel, two clothes shops, and a few houses.

 

Typically, propping up the bar is a wonderful Irish rogue (terrorist), Micky O'Brien.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/mickyob.jpg

He lets us in on a cunning scheme to exploit the local wildlife.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bloodcatskins.jpg

This scheme will, of course, mean M-Team hunts and kills these large, ferocious felines and Micky sells the skins. Hmm. Not quite what I'd call a fair division of labour, Micky. On yer bike.

 

The second sector is a bit more to M-Team's taste:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/sanmona2.jpg

As it contains both a porn shop and a whorehouse, Bull has no further need for his bedraggled issue of Bustler, and duly discards it.

 

Unable to control himself, he storms the porn shop with the rest of M-Team lagging behind, unwilling to witness the certain but unspecified carnage. Although the streets are well patrolled by thugs with guns, the shop contains only one extremely butch woman and a man who was created when God had the word 'seedy' firmly in mind.

 

Bull's approaches are rebuffed.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bullrageviag.jpg

Enraged by the implication that he needs Viagra, Bull beats her to a pulp, cuts her head off, uses it as a hand puppet and then punches it some more.

 

When the violence has concluded, the man speaks up:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/hansporno.jpg

 

Rage unsated, Bull eyes his knuckles, then grins at Hans and stalks forward. Grizzly distracts him with a piece of jerky on a string he has designed and carries for this very purpose. After several minutes of teasing, Grizzly allows Bull to fall upon the piece of dried meat, and nods for Hans to continue.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/hans2.jpg

 

Bull, fury forgotten, heads to the back room and finds a man wearing glasses only just shy of being portholes. The man flips open his long coat, revealing not his disgusting naked frame, but something even more immoral:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/tonyguns.jpg

A gun shop inside a porn shop. My God, it's Sodom and Gomorrah all over again.

 

Incidentally, now that Ira is looking after the two mongoloids in Cambria, M-Team now needs two mercs! Suggestions welcome, manliness a must.

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Cleaning up after a defence, the Three Stooges spot someone who looks sort of familiar:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/terrorist1.jpg

What's this? Admiration? Most suspicious...

 

Nevertheless, Ira cannot put a name to the face, and Biff and Flo are too busy making cow's eyes at each other to even look at the man in question.

 

Slowly, awareness began to percolate through Ira's brain, damaged as it was by a recent bullet wound that knocked five points off her Wisdom and about a hundred points off her IQ. "Terry isn't Terry at all." She stated, as they strolled away from the house.

 

Biff glanced at Flo, who made twirly motions by her temple with one finger.

 

"I've seen him somewhere before." Ira thought hard, her skull oozing brains.

 

Biff eyed the seepage and wisely made no comment. Flo shrugged. "Oo iz ee zhen? An internazional terroreest?"

 

Ira's eyes lit up like her brains weren't escaping the confines of her cranium. "Yes!"

 

With the quick-fingered skill that made her an ace typist and an uncontrollably poor shot, she checked the files the bounty hunter, Carmen SanDiego or whatever his name was, gave M-Team. Her finger stabbed the picture.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/richrutslay.jpg

 

"Terry is Richard Ruttwen! AKA Slay!"

 

"AKA Slay?" Biff repeated, looking up from the sheet.

 

"Sleey?" Flo rolled her eyes. "Oui, oui, of course. Beef, she is mad."

 

Biff frowned. "Hey, yeah, perhaps you should lie down until your brains congeal, uh, scab over. I mean-"

 

But Ira was already running.

 

Slay, being a damn fine shot and skilled terrorist, was more than a match for the Three Stooges, but not for the 20 militia in that sector. Afterwards, Ira cut his head off, but made Biff carry it around so it dribbled on him.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/slayshead.jpg

 

And the attacks grow ever more strident:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/mineattack1.jpg

 

Meanwhile, back in San Mona, Barry is busy discussing the finest maiming ammunition money can buy, while the other three move on to the next sector:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/sanmona3.jpg

Another bar, an abandoned mine...and a lot of security. Armed toughs patrol the streets, pumped up on arrogance and steroids, wielding guns with the nonchalance of the accidentally-shot. It appears the criminal mastermind who runs San Mona lives somewhere around here.

 

To their delight, the bar also contains a boxing ring, and an arrogant prick who thinks M-Team couldn't fight a Rocky V-era Apollo Creed.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/dvhcmfights.jpg

Bets of between $1,000 to $5,000 are allowed. M-Team, eyeing the three posers on the other side of the ring, unanimously decide on $5k. Malice will fight first, then Grizzly, then Bull. Each of them will have a little surprise, just in case:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/knucks.jpg

 

Malice is a little rusty, more used to stabbing these days, but soon limbers up and pays his $5k. Darren interrupted his warm up in a cheap attempt to psych him out:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/kingpinetnree.jpg

 

"Looks like we're going to meet Dr No." Grizzly said.

 

"Non pressure." Malice shrugged, warming up. "Float like ze French biplane, sting like ze French sewing machine."

 

A rather chubby figure dressed in a black and red shellsuit enters the bar:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/kingpin.jpg

 

"Dr No?" muttered Grizzly. "More like Dr No Salad."

 

"Dr Zecond 'elpings." giggled Malice.

 

"Dr Fat Bastard." laughed Bull, getting the gist and yet missing the point entirely.

 

The portly Kingpin goes on to assert his manliness despite his spare tyres:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/kingpinspeech.jpg

 

Once he's finished blubbering on, it's fighting time. Malice leapt the ropes, made sure he's warmed up with a few faux punches and kicks, complete with chop-socky noises provided by Bull, and faced his opponent.

 

"Remember, if he loses, we open fire and escape in the confusion." Grizzly hissed.

 

Bull nodded, beer and popcorn already in hand.

 

The fighter, dark-skinned and clad in green, charged forward and took a swing. Malice dodged aside easily, gave him one in the gut and followed it with a hefty punch to the temple, aided and abetted by the knucks. Punk went down faster than the prostitutes Grizzly hired last sector.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/challenger1.jpg

Malice vaulted out, unaccidentally stepping on the stupid man's balls as he did so. He collects $10k and smirks when Darren offered another fight. "Not moi." Malice purred. "I must attend to moi toilet. I 'ave mussed my 'air avoiding zat zug's ill-judged strike. Per'aps one of moi compatriots?"

 

Grizzly stood, grinning. Kingpin was showing interest but was trying to hide it behind the doughnuts he was eating. Bull continued to wolf popcorn and wash it down with beer, overjoyed at the thought of further bloodshed. Malice dropped into a seat next to him, combing his hair. "Can I 'ave zum popcorn, I am 'ungry after moi exertions?"

 

Bull scowled. Malice reached hesitantly towards the cardboard tub. Bull made a sincere attempt to bite his fingers off.

 

Grizzly jumped into the ring. While not as lean as Malice, he's taller, more muscular, and has none of the French fop about him. His opponent, a grizzled veteran with enough scars for a platoon of mercs, stormed forward and smacked Grizzly in the balls. Taken aback, the big man fell back on the ropes and received a punch to the face when he sprung back up. Dizzied, breathless, Grizzly hit back, one punch going wild and the other connecting. A punch from a man who can merely lose to Bull in an arm-wrestling contest, instead of having his arm torn off, is to be respected, and the fighter rocked back on his heels, unsteady. Grizzly followed up with a brutal hooking left and concluded the fight with a headbutt.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/chall2.jpg

"Aw aye!" cried one of the barflies. "

"

 

Breathing hard and bleeding a little from his nose, Grizzly got out of the ring and collapsed into a seat, while Malice patched him up, being careful not to get blood on his fresh shirt. Kingpin applauded politely. Darren dropped off the $10k, disgusted.

 

Bull finished off his beer and burped so hard popcorn came out. "My turn."

 

The entire bar went silent. Kingpin sat upright, wiping powdered sugar, or white powder of some sort, from round his mouth and nose. Grizzly smiled. "This is going to be good."

 

The third fighter looked deadly, silver-haired, slim but well-muscled. He moved with whiplike grace as he climbed into the ring, unperturbed by the losses of his fellows. His movements have been slow, but as soon as Bull climbed into the ring he showed his speed, lancing forward and kicking Bull in the face. A ballistic tooth lodged in the ceiling.

 

"Manga hair ain't gonna help you." Bull growled, fisting his hands.

 

The fighter squatted and kicked out, pistoning a foot into Bull's stomach. Bull vomited beer and popcorn all over him. Reeling, the fighter barely felt Bull grab his shirt and haul him in close. Bull punched him once, the power transmitted even more efficiently by the brass knucks, and the fighter collapsed to the ground, face like a sucked tomato.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/chall3.jpg

Bull burped, and clambered out, farting for good measure. "Should have got salted."

 

Darren put on his best lemon-sucking face and threw the $10k at them. Kingpin admitted to being impressed and invited M-Team to his house. Probably for a pie-eating contest.

 

That $15k has given my finances a good boost though. Time for M-Team to have proper medical attention:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/danthemanquint.jpg

Dan "The Man" Quinten. $16,600 of rugged, manly medical mastery.

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Bloody typical.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/typicalmine.jpg

I have control of it for less than a week and it starts running out. Give it a few days and I'll have bugger all coming in. Still, who'll be laughing when Cambria discovers (gasp) that I can't afford to defend the town, so sorry, bye bye? AHAHAHAHAHA. Bastards.

 

Another nonsensical email from His ex-Highness:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/whatinvasion.jpg

Piss off, Enrico, what war are you watching?

 

Rooting around after yet another defence, Ira spots a stranger in amongst the soon-to-be-abandoned citizens of Cambria. Like Carmen Miranda or whatever his name is, this bloke is also using the greasy spoon as his place of business.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/devinconnell.jpg

Oh look, another cheerful Irish rogue (terrorist). Wonder what he's selling?

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/shopdevin.jpg

Well, he's meant to be selling explosives, but at the moment his stock consists of one smoke grenade, one metal detector, nine detonators, and a pair of wire cutters. I buy the smoke grenade and push the bumbling fool out of the door. "Shop at Devin's, we've got nothing to sell!"

 

Ira waited until Carmen Electra or whatever his name is showed up, and gave him Slay's rather-manky head.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/slayheadcashdin.jpg

"Well, let's see." Ira circled him as she spoke, rifle in hand. "We haven't conquered Drassen yet, so we can't meet there. And we're nearly out of revenue from Cambria's mine, which means we might have to abandon the town. So why don't you meet us here soon." She prodded him in the forehead with a finger, the effect spoiled by the fact she had to go up on tiptoe to do it.

 

"Sure, okay." Carmen Argenziano or whatever his name is said. He walked off, swinging the severed head cheerily.

 

Another email from the once-sovereign:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/enricoemail4.jpg

Great. This means the arse will drop out of the loyalty I currently have. Given that there are no funds to be had from there now I've cashed the head in, I need to move on. If Cambria falls, I've lost nothing, as the mine is abandoned. But I need to conquer a new town.

 

Suggestions?

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OPERATION KILLHICKS

 

Time I got rid of the inbreds. Not because it'll make the poor fools of Cambria like me more, we're past that, but because they've got plenty of guns.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/inbredkilltime.jpg

 

Malice and Grizzly, armed with the long range guns, take cover behind some trees and cover the clear ground by the house. The rest huddle behind the shed and get ready to repel the buck-toothed hordes.

 

Malice opened the fight with a round from his shiny new Dragunov.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/malopens.jpg

The recoil knocked his fringe out of place and he combed it back immediately, ignoring the return fire.

 

There really isn't much of a fight. The rednecks are armed with shotguns, only one or two have rifles, and despite how they swarm forward, Grizzly and Malice thin them out nicely with rifle fire, and any getting dangerously close are chopped up by bursts from Bull, Barry and Danny.

 

Grizzly takes a rifle round and Malice gets slammed by so many shotgun pellets that, even though they fail to penetrate his armour, he is left breathless and needs a lay down:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/malknacked.jpg

"Zis scarf." He gasps as he sinks to the grass. "Eet is new. Grass...stains."

 

Danny performs quite well, never drops a bollock. I'd never guess his Marksmanship was 62, his single shots were good and his bursts consistent, though it was almost all at close range. Nearly everyone got wounded, usually just a few points scraped off by skimming shotgun pellets. When the battle ends, Danny's celebratory comment cheers everyone:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/endofdanny.jpg

Not shown: Danny skinning the dead and alternately feeding pieces to Bull and patching everyone's wounds with it.

 

And what did we gain, chillun?

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/hicksdead.jpg

The weapons will be sold to Paedo Tony, laser and sniper scopes will be put to good use, as will those grenades, TNT and armour. Nice little haul, considering it was just one easy battle.

 

Enrico loses the plot completely:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/askin4aslap.jpg

 

Seeing as I am most likely going to lose Cambria soon, I begin transporting kit to San Mona, using my mercs as donkeys. Thousands of rounds of ammo in half a dozen calibres, medical supplies, weaponry, a smattering of explosives, it's all getting shifted. M-Team bear the brunt with a grunt, but S-Team (the 'S' stands for 'Shit', but then you knew that) almost fold under the pressure, moaning about the weight and lack of sleep every trip.

 

While strolling along San Mona's fabled Walk of Hookers ("Your Name In Whores!"), M-Team decide to take up Kingpin on his invite. The guard on the door is as friendly as stipulated in the Sneering Henchmen Act of 1983:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/buysumroids.jpg

"Hurry up and get inside, I gotta go buy some 'roids."

 

Kingpin, looking even more like an overweight Dracula, has an offer M-Team don't even get the option of refusing:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/kingpinoffer.jpg

"$20,000 for a chalice?" Grizzly wonders after they leave.

 

"The Chalice'a Chance." Danny reminds him.

 

"Shance of w'at?" Malice asks. "Zat he will lose zum weight?"

 

After the fellows have had a good laugh at that, they crack on.

 

Meanwhile, S-Team, sobbing at having to do some work, bump into some wildlife:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bloodcats.jpg

 

Even as the first cat is leaping out of cover, Ira puts her recent training to good use and drops to one knee. Her time spent among M-Team was not totally wasted, and she's learned a thing or two. Gritting her teeth, she levels her Colt Commando, switches the fire selector to burst, shuts her eyes and fires. The big cat, 300 kilos of fanged death, is bracketed by rounds from Flo, and lunges directly into Ira's bullets.

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/s-team.jpg

"God I can't watch!" Biff screams, turning away just as two more bloodcats turn up.

 

"Beef you eediot!" Flo takes up position behind Ira and joins in, unleashing a burst that misses the targeted tiger and hits the other. "Eentended!"

 

Biff staggers forth on legs wobbly with fear and wet with urine, takes a knee and fires. Even he knows he's not going to hit anything, and the bloodcats spring, one of them getting close enough to rake its claws across his face.

 

"Oh my God!" He claps his hands over his ravaged features as blood spurts forth, dropping his weapon.

 

Ira opens up again, not really caring if she hits Biff or the bloodcats. One dies, one is badly bounded, and Flo finishes it off, with a cry that humiliates every cell of Biff's being:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bcd.jpg

 

Flo scoops up the teeth and claws left by the cats, Biff attempts to staple his face back together, and Ira reflects on the good old days when she was the least able in the squad, not the leading light.

 

Speck contacts me with some interesting news:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/newMERCs.jpg

Translated, it reads "Well done for paying the bill on time, I spent most of the money huffing petrol and paint, but I also managed to hire another spastic."

 

And here he is, the only merc who can outeat Bull:

https://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h109/FullAuto_2006/bubba.jpg

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