Ouchywawa

[Mouse Nightshirt]

I come to seek the advice of the innocent (while maybe providing some light comic relief at the same time).

 

At the minute, I have got piles. Not pleasant, not painless. Now I've done my research (I'm a student medic), and have determined that the major cause of this condition is my sitting on the toilet a tad too long. Everything else seems fine (high fibre diet, reasonable exercise etc etc), so the only other possible cause that came up is sitting for a long time on the toilet, which I do.

 

Now, I am one of those newspaper types. I could read an entire newspaper on the toilet. It's a horrible habit that I need to stop to prevent this horrible condition. Can anyone suggest a training regime to prevent me from reading on the toilet?

 

All help appreciated!

[Kernel]

Electrify the toilet seat?

[FullAuto]

Can't help, sorry. I regularly sit on the toilet so long reading my legs go numb. I walk around like Douglas Bader for an hour afterwards.

[uriaheep]

My grandmother used to swear by paraffin and a wire brush but to be honest the only time I had them I gave this cure a miss.

[Slaughter]

Read the little notes in the paper about alligators and snakes coming up through the toilet...?

[Kizmiaz]

Get an oldfashioned outhouse.

In the winter it's cold as hell and in the summertime the flies prevent you from prolonged sittings.

[Mouse Nightshirt]

My grandmother used to swear by paraffin and a wire brush but to be honest the only time I had them I gave this cure a miss.

 

I think I'll pass on this one too. :mad:

[Accounting Troll]

Change your reading matter to the News of the World.

 

It won't help with the piles, but it will take your mind off them

[Ivory]

locking your self away in the bathroom to read a whole paper/book has understadnable rewards. so dotn stop. simply lower the toliet lid (and raise your garments obviously) this will provide a safe house away from harassment, without causing lasting injury.

[Matri]

That's just it Ivory, it is causing him injury.

[FullAuto]

Not with the bog lid down, it won't. Though then he can't lay any cable.

[Bomb Bloke]

Why not simply remove all reading material from the toilet area?

[Mouse Nightshirt]

News of the World? That just makes the piles worse. Outrageous tabloidy stories raise blood pressure, causing more pain.

 

Bomb Bloke: A toilet roll has numbers and letters on the inside of the tube, and therefore qualifies as reading material. As much as I dislike piles, I dislike the thought of no toilet paper even more. Newspaper also works as a handy backup device.

 

Notice the way I skillfully darted around the more mature content of the newspaper (This is a statement, not a question). It's like I'm on ice skates. In an ice rink.

[Matri]

While the zambony is still tooling around?

[Bomb Bloke]

Come now, surely it doesn't take you that long to read a toilet paper roll?

 

I mean, it's not like you'd want to read it each and every time you went... Once would be enough for most people...

 

But I know the truth. You don't want to know a way to stop reading whilst on the toilet. You just want to know a way that you can continue reading, without getting piles.

[uriaheep]

Come now, surely it doesn't take you that long to read a toilet paper roll?

 

I mean, it's not like you'd want to read it each and every time you went... Once would be enough for most people...

 

Not so, it is little known that toilet rolls have different script on each one and if 8320 monkeys are given 10,000 years to read just 98 toilet rols, they would eventually be able to wirte the complete works of Shakespeare. Thsi would constitute plagiarism and under the laws of future governments 396 of the monkeys would be found innocent due to diminished responsibility.

[Ivory]

maybe you shoudl just carry on as you are but get yourself soem cream?

[uriaheep]

maybe you shoudl just carry on as you are but get yourself soem cream?

 

I don't think indulging in High Tea will help - best left for the scones I think.

[Ivory]

lol