uriaheep Posted December 2, 2005 Report Share Posted December 2, 2005 I'm suprised to see that there isn't a Jokes topic anywhere. Or is there something I don't know? https://www.secretgarden.plus.com/drunk.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kernel Posted December 2, 2005 Report Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well the problem is, that it all starts well,... but then it slowly degrades and we get to the "Blond" jokes or the "Irish" jokes... and then someone get's offended... and it's goes pretty much downhill from there.... until a moderator locks the topic.... Besids... the best jokes tend to be the ones that crop up in normal topics... and the ones that are in the "special" jokes topic tend to be the ones that everyones heard of, or ones that really aren't very good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory Posted December 2, 2005 Report Share Posted December 2, 2005 Kernal- talk about cheerful NOT! i know a good one... what do you call a FISH with no eyes? FSH hehehehehhe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uriaheep Posted December 2, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2005 Well the problem is, that it all starts well,... but then it slowly degrades and we get to the "Blond" jokes or the "Irish" jokes... and then someone get's offended... and it's goes pretty much downhill from there.... until a moderator locks the topic.... Besids... the best jokes tend to be the ones that crop up in normal topics... and the ones that are in the "special" jokes topic tend to be the ones that everyones heard of, or ones that really aren't very good. I guessed that would be it, that's why I didn't open with one. Everyone's so damn scared of not being 'PC' that the world has gone complete grey. I wonder if the thought police had been around years ago would we have had Mozart or Turner? Okay I'll stay PC here, ironic though I don't normally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slaughter Posted December 2, 2005 Report Share Posted December 2, 2005 I don't see a problem with it. If we can manage to have political discussions without them degrading, a jokes thread should be fine. Don't know what the rest of the staff thinks however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FullAuto Posted December 2, 2005 Report Share Posted December 2, 2005 Go for it. All the jokes I know are un-PC. And shit. Humour always makes fun of someone, and they are jokes, after all. I doubt anyone will take them overly seriously. Q. What's Irish and stays out in the back garden, even in the worst weather? A. Paddy O'Furniture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uriaheep Posted December 2, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2005 Sorry to the non-UK members that may not get this one. A coach carrying young girls on an inter-school trip crashes with 100% loss of life and they all find themselves in a queue at the Pearly Gates. St Peter asked them one by one the same question. "Now then my dear, to come in here you must be pure. Now then have you ever touched a mans thing?"The girl thinks for a moment and says. "Yes I have - with my finger." "Then dip your finger in this font of Holy water before you enter." replies the saint. Then he askes the next girl. "Now then my dear, to come in here you must be pure. Now then have you ever touched a mans thing?"The girl thinks for a moment and says. "Yes I have - with my hand." She hold up her hand as if to confirm this. "Then dip your hand in this font of Holy water before you enter." replies the saint. Then he turns to the next girl but at the back there is a skuffle and a girl pushes her way forward. Saint Peter stops her and says. "What is it my child, why the rush to enter?" The girl looks up to him and says. "Listen your Saintship, I have to have a gargle in that font before the girl from Romford dips her arse in it." Next....... https://www.secretgarden.plus.com/drunk.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FullAuto Posted December 3, 2005 Report Share Posted December 3, 2005 Mr Johnson's sat in the doctor's office twiddling his thumbs.The doctor scratches his head and puts his notes down. "Well, Mr Johnson, I'm afraid your yellow penis has me at a loss.""It's not a disease or anything?" Mr Johnson asks."No." The doctor frowns. "You don't work with chemicals or anything, do you?""Nope. I'm unemployed.""Well, what do you do with your time then?""I just sit about, watching porn and eating Quavers." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matri Posted December 3, 2005 Report Share Posted December 3, 2005 I posted one quite a whiles back about the killer mutant squirrel and the biker. Can't find anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory Posted December 3, 2005 Report Share Posted December 3, 2005 whats brown and sticky..... a stick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uriaheep Posted December 3, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 3, 2005 Here's my favorite. A man goes into a pub and says to his mate. "The missus wants a dog, where the hell am I going to buy a dog at this time of the year?""You see that chap at the bar?" his mate points. "he's selling his dog.""What that little white mongrel? Not much of a dog.""No but it's cheap." smiles his mate, so the man goes up to the bar and says to the man with the dog."I hear you are selling the dog mate.""Yeah," says the man turning round. "25 pounds.""25 quid for an ordinary mongrel, that seems a bit steep.""He's a talking dog." replies the man returning his gaze to his drink. "A talking dog? now I know this is a wind up." laughs the man."He really is, ask him a question." The man looks around expecting his friend to be laughing but he looks over and shrugs."Okay," he says to the dog with a laugh. "what's the capital of France my little mongrel friend?" The dog looks up from licking it's backside and says."I would be most grateful if you would not call me mongrel, my name is Arbuthnot and I would have thought even an idiot like you would know that Paris is the capital of France."The man is taken aback. "You can speak.""Not only can I speak but I can do it in eight languages. I have a Phd in Chemistry, I'm a doctor of Physics and I once worked as the project manager for NASA. I like hang gliding and skiing but I don't do either now since I damaged my leg whist working for the SAS though it hasn't stopped my career on the stage. I can play 14 different musical instruments, I am a fully qualified commercial airline pilot and I strive for world peace." The dog sighs and scratches his ear."My god." says the man. "I have never seen anything like it. I must have the dog, wait till I tell...... wait a minute." The man grins at the dogs owner. "A talking dog would cost a great deal more than £25, there has to be a catch. "Why are you selling him?"The man looks at the dog and then to the man and says. "I can't stand the lies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 you know what, there is nothing like a good joke. and thats exactally what that was ok, whats the difference between a wife and a mistress? ....about three stone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Accounting Troll Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 The other day a beggar came up to me and asked me for £20 for a cup of tea. I told him that sounded like rather a lot for a cup of tea, and his reply was "I like to leave big tips." *looks for a red fez smilie* It's the way I tell them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uriaheep Posted December 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2005 Tony Blair on a PR trip has to visit a new mental hospital, and trying to show some interest asks the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be cured?" "Well..." said the director, "we perform a test, if the patient comes up with the correct answer we deem him fit to return to society."The PM asks to be shown one of these tests and so the director takes him to the bathroom. The PM looks around and sees a bath with a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket inside. The director explains."We fill up the bath with water and show the patient the teaspoon, teacup and bucket and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," says the PM."A sane person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup and so he is released." "Not exactly" answers the director. "A sane person would pull the plug out." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matri Posted December 13, 2005 Report Share Posted December 13, 2005 I'll let this speak for itself... Bash.org And an older one: Bash.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FullAuto Posted December 14, 2005 Report Share Posted December 14, 2005 Man: "Hello darlin', I'd like to get into your pants."Woman: "No thanks. Already got one arsehole in there." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FullAuto Posted December 20, 2005 Report Share Posted December 20, 2005 Two Irishmen sat at the bar.One says, "Have ye ever shoed a horse, Paddy?"The other replies, "Can't say as I have, Murphy, but I've told two donkeys to f*ck off." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivory Posted December 20, 2005 Report Share Posted December 20, 2005 lol to both the above FA! the best joke ive heard today is that ive broken up for chrismtas and the rest of my family still have o work hahaha ok a joke- paddy and murphy were throwing stones at teh floor...paddy missed (i liek to use this joke but replace it with names of my nearest and deasrest ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FullAuto Posted December 20, 2005 Report Share Posted December 20, 2005 A Geordie lad was having sex with a Jewish lass. After a few minutes, he stops and says "You're not very tight, for a Jew."She raises her eyebrows and says, "You're not very thick, for a Geordie." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Accounting Troll Posted December 21, 2005 Report Share Posted December 21, 2005 Ah yes, the Irishman jokes. They can be found in every culture with the only variation being the ethnicity of the yokels. A vicar and a rabbi who lived next door to each other always tried to get one up on each other. If one repainted the outside of his house, the other would soon follow suit. When the vicar brought a new car, it wasn't long before the rabbi brought a new car as well. One day the rabbi saw the vicar sprinkling water over his car, and he asked what he was doing. "I'm baptizing my car with holy water, which is more than you can do with your car", replied the vicar. The next day the vicar was amazed to see the rabbi sawing the end off his car's exhaust pipe... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FullAuto Posted December 21, 2005 Report Share Posted December 21, 2005 Hear about all those tonnes of Fairy liquid Britain sent to Asia because people kept on washing up on the beach? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stefan100 Posted December 21, 2005 Report Share Posted December 21, 2005 Some jokes about norweigians. Feel free to pay back with some jokes about Swedish norwegians. How do you sink a norwegian submarine? Knock on the hatch... How do you recognice a norwegian plane in a snowstorm? It has snowchains on the wings. Have you heard of the norwegian million lottery? You win 1 crown a year in a million year. Have you heard about the norwegian that froze to death outside the cinema? He was going to watch the movie "closed over the winter". A norwegian expression: A naked man shall not be scared for pickpocketers. :: No harm meant, only jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kizmiaz Posted December 21, 2005 Report Share Posted December 21, 2005 Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance" The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uriaheep Posted December 22, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 22, 2005 Well I suppose I could keep to a theme and tell a Norwegian joke but it really is a Blonde joke. A blonde takes her car to the garage."Hello, can you fix my car? There was a severe hail storm last night and there are hundreds of tiny dents in the roof." The machanic seeing that she is blone decides to have a bit of a laugh."You can do it yourself and save money. Just put your mouth over the exhaust pipe and blow has hard as you can and the dents will pop out." The woman thanks the man and return home. As she is bent down blowing until she is red in the face her flat mate who is also blonde steps out and sees her."What the hell are you doing?" she askes."The man at the garage says if I blow hard down the exhaust the dents in the car will pop out.""You idiot." frowns the other woman. "You give blondes a bad name. You have to wind the windows up first." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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